My landscape

In the last month my familiar family landscape has changed. I am still struggling with my new normal and as a result I have been missing in action with this blog.
I have started posts and then stopped, deeming myself not ready and not wanting to drag you down with my less than upbeat self.

Work is work. I am happy most days and others where I wish I could magically fix the neuroses of my co-workers. Sometimes they drive me batshit crazy, however most of the time I can tune them out.

School is moving right along. The two classes I am taking are time-consuming and heavy-handed in regards to work load. The one class I initially felt I was ill prepared for I find now most interesting. The other teacher which I thought was a hard ass is actually quite interesting and entertaining.

Home life is strife with tension, hence life with a teenager. I love the child, hate the eye rolling.

A curious thing happened somewhere between a haircut and going to a friend’s house last week, I saw a man who was a 60 something doppelgänger of my recently deceased grandfather. I found myself unable to stop staring and afraid to make contact with the mystery look a like. He never did look directly at me.

I think the loss has hit me harder than I care to acknowledge. I am scared of getting lost in the pain. I have a family of two to care for.
I call my grandmother once a week and at some point she gets to tearing and I try to hold back the tears myself so it does not become a sob fest and I do mostly to a successful degree. It breaks my heart to hear her coping mechanism.

I had hoped that a year in the process of preparing for the worst I would be handling it better at this point.


3 thoughts on “My landscape

  1. I breathe a heavy sigh as I recollect a similar situation, only opposite. My grandmother passed first, after over 50 years of marriage to my grandfather. Seeing the pain in his face the day she passed, is something I will never forget the rest of my life. Going back to visit him later, seeing the “shrine” of photos, and an “eternal light” he left on all day/night for her just about broke my heart in a million pieces. I’ve never known the kind of love he had, and I don’t know if I ever will. What I do know, is losing both of them within a years’ time really broke me. No matter how much you try to mentally prepare for it, when they are no longer here, it hits home in a different way. I’m so very sorry. I really feel your loss, and it hurts me to think about it. I can say it gets easier, but I never really truly stop missing them during Christmas or other times of year when they were the center of my life. I suppose the good thing is, I had them until my late 20s and I was so fortunate to have people like them in my life. Grandparents are so precious… and it’s a different dynamic for me than the relationship I have with my parents. They were just… special.

    1. It is comforting to know it will get better, I am not there yet. I have some days that are better than others. Maybe that I could not make it to the wake is a good thing. I am not sure if I could have handled seeing him in that way.
      I have had both sets of my grandparents in my life for almost 38 years and for that I am thankful.

  2. It definitely gets easier in the sense that you will one day be able to remember all of the good times without the pain of feeling the loss. It took me a while. Just allow yourself to grieve when you have private moments to do so. Someone suggested to me to write down all of the good memories you can recall, so you can reflect back on the list one day when you’re feeling down. I loved that idea. Nowadays, I think about them when certain things happen and I smile when I used to cry. I will always feel like I miss them in my life, but it’s so good having memories to talk about forever.

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