There was a time when I did not believe men had feelings. It seemed to me that they did not feel the pain that us women do, especially in matters of the heart. It turns out I was wrong. I guess I had just met all the wrong men.
I have not met anyone new to shed new light on them. I have been thinking back and looking at my past with a new perspective.

As a child I saw two type of men, my grandfathers who were never home because they were working their asses off providing for their families and if some stories are true chasing tail on occasion. Then there was my dad who seemingly was educating himself for the better of his family when he was in reality chasing tail as documented by at least two of my half siblings while my parents were married.

That is not much to build on for an optimistic view of men.

When I think of my past I see things I had not noticed before. My grandfathers were hardworking men. They stood by their commitments despite any character flaws. They also married women who weighed their options carefully and lived according to their choices.

One grandmother accepted her husband as he was but never made peace with it. She is not inclined toward happiness and finds no joy in anything or anyone. It must have been difficult to come home to a glass half-empty minded person every night. I think she adjusted to widowhood easiest because she felt she was alone even while he was alive. They lived in separate rooms of their house except on the occasion that I needed a place to live as a pup.

The other grandmother is not adjusting to widowhood as easily. Her marriage was not easy starting with the in-laws from hell. My grandfather defended her though throughout the early years but they somehow made it work. My grandmother knew and accepted him as he was. She almost lost him along the way to his wandering ways. Somewhere along the line they came to an understanding and built a family bigger and stronger than I am sure either of them could have imagined. They became of light of our family.

Maybe one day I will meet a man that can see me for who I really am and love me anyway.

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