I am not a friend collector. I make friends but like men I can’t really keep them.They come into my life for a season and then they are gone. Sometimes I learn something about them that comes in handy later or about myself in general. There are two friends that have been a constant in my life and I met them both before the internet and blogging.
Today I had an early dinner with my friend from H.S. She is fun to be around and there are never any awkward silences. She is fundamentally a good person. But when we hang out it is clear we are not on the same page in life or much of anything else. Despite all this I would never end our friendship. She is an anchor for me. Whenever I feel like I am losing sight of who I am we reconnect and I am reminded of who I was once and whom I will never be again. I never have to explain my family or my attitude toward them. I know her background and understand where she is coming from. We have a short hand of communication that only people who have known each other since we were 16 years old have. I love her like family but sometimes I hate her like she is family. It’s complicated.
My other long time friend is someone I met at my very first job. I am two years their senior. We connected early on and even at some point I had a crush on him but that was short lived. We took some time off the friendship and then became the thing we were always meant to be, friends. We never dated or anything ever. He has counseled me through some strange dating situations and I him during his time dating and then marrying his crazy ex wife. Lately we have lost contact and our lives have diverged drastically. We no longer really connect and well it is not that enjoyable to hang out. We have great conversations but I constantly feel judged. It is uncomfortable and yet I don’t sever the friendship, officially anyhow.

Like I said, I am not a friend collector but I also have a hard time letting go. These days I will talk to anyone but I keep them at a distance. I never let them in completely. I share and I listen to them as well, but I do not let them in. As a result I have had to handle things that I wish I had friends there for to talk, counsel and understand.

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