Love is…

I grew up in a family that had very complicated relationships and beginnings. My great grandfather on my dads side married into a family twice.My grandmothers parents on my dads side is where there are few details. My great grandfather lived long enough to produce seven children, one before he met and married my great grandmother. I met this great grandmother and vividly remember her. She lived until the tender age of 102. Her mind was not all there at that point but her body was.

My great grandparents on my mother’s side had a short lived relationship.He left my great grandmother on my moms dads side alone in her 30’s with three children to feed. It is unclear if he died or he just left.I met this great grandmother and she died when I was 10. I vividly remember her and the call we got when she died.
My mom’s grandfather on her mothers side left my grandmother to be raised by her blind grandmother when her mother died due to complications of childbirth. That particular great grandfather died when I was five. I clearly met him but have no memory of him. Not until about last year did I know that I passed where he is buried every day when I drive to work.I looked where he was located in the cemetery and he is basically a mile marker. I guess you reap what you sow.

My parents met in high school and married young.Between them they had four children but raised five. My dad in total had eight children that we know of. My parents divorced when I was 17.

My most recent loss of a grandparent was two years this past January.I regret not being able or if I am being honest not ready to see him at his funeral. He was instrumental in my childhood and I should have gone because my grandmother still lives and needed my support. It is something I struggle with all the time.
My grandmother has not handled his loss well at all. It is painful to be around her sometimes because her grief is palpable and it hurts. Again, it is shitty thing for me to do/say because they have always been my biggest supporters in everything.

My grandmother has basically lost the will to live. She tells me in those moments of clarity for her that she realizes she is going through the motions. She has stopped taking her blood pressure medicine and has gone to the hospital several times. I have told people she is depressed but my words get disregarded. They say she just needs more time and that eventually her pain will ease. I guess they/we can’t relate to the fact that life as she knew it for a long time doesn’t exist. In two years time she lost a beloved husband, two brothers and a sister-in-law. These are emotional blows that would knock any strong person on their ass.

So even though I want to find my life partner I wonder if it is worth the pain of losing them at some point. No one gets out alive in life. We all die. I am not sure I want that earth shattering feeling of love. I want companionship yes. But love like my grandparents? Not so sure. Maybe my moms parents had it right. They tolerated each other at best. My maternal grandmother almost seemed relieved when my grandfather passed. That is not to say she didn’t shed a tear when he died.I suppose they must have loved each other at some point but it wasn’t the love felt by anyone who saw them,my parental grandparents kind of love.


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