my mother and I. .

I am one week and a couple of days into living by myself for the very first time. The first few days I had something planned every day.  The thought of an empty house made me anxious. It didn’t take long to realize I was running from myself. I have to learn to like myself and change what I don’t.

During graduation week my mom came to visit which is great but bad for my mental health. Ha! The things we do for our kids. I  love my mom but I don’t like how she makes me feel about myself. We should have known better than for her to stay with me for more than three days. I haven’t lived with her since I was 15. Our relationship has always been complicated. Seeing as how she tried to leave early I don’t think I have to worry about her visting anytime soon. It is easy to say I will  cut her out of my life but she is my mom so ….well we are stuck together  till death do us part.

My issues this visit? She had nothing positive to say about me, my apartment and my parenting skills. All her jokes were at my expense. It got to a point where even my kiddo asked me privately what had I ever done to her? I shrugged my shoulders but I  thought to myself….being born.  She has always told me that I remind her too much of my dad and then continues  to list all his negative traits.

Who’s fault is that? Ha!

I  have tried to be different with my kiddo and I recognize where i have been and not soo much. We do the best with what we have and we know. I don’t blame my mom exactly and I recognize that she is also a product of her time and that she is human and imperfect as we all are.  It doesn’t make it bother me less but it leads to seek out ways to manage my contact with the things that hurt me and that I cannot change. My mom is who she is.


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