As I listen…

As I sit here listening to the noises in and around my apartment I hear the sound of the kids outside from the middle school. I hear the cars passing along my street which happens to be in the heart of town. I hear a teacher calling the kids to come back in. I hear a beeping of a car horn. I hear the airplanes that fly overhead. Even closer I hear the drumming noise of the refrigerator as it struggles to work. I hear in the distance my kiddos television clicking on and off even though no one is the in the room. The cable company has no explanation for it and suggested I get a new box, I did but it still does the same thing from time to time. Despite all these slight noises I hear around me the one noise that hits me the most is the loneliness that fills my apartment and me, especially when I hear the laughter or crying of my next door neighbor or the not so quiet lovemaking of my neighbors upstairs.

Loneliness is sneaky. It creeps up on you just when you think you have things under control and things are looking up. I keep busy with my meetup activities and the things I sometimes like to do alone. I  made a conscious effort to not wallow in my loneliness. I saw it coming but I figured if I kept it at a healthy distance it would stay far enough away and minimize impact. Most days this plan of action works, but not this past couple of weeks. In my loneliness I see things and people differently. I reevaluate my friendships not in the best light and tarnish them in small and sometimes big ways. I guess you could say I am emotionally high maintenance and because of this I let few people really in. I want to avoid the awkwardness and heartbreak of losing a friend or other type of relationship. Those that stay through and after the storm of my “moments of crisis” gain my loyalty.

Recently I have decided to just deal with my feelings and it caused a wave of panic attacks. At first I thought I was having seizures I was shaking so hard but nope it was just a panic attack. They usually happen when I fly manifesting in losing my breath but lately I have been physically shaking and in some cases uncontrollable crying. Luckily I felt them coming on the two times it started at work and for the most part made it to my car just in time before I just lost  my shit. After about 20 minutes of ugly crying and shaking it passed and I was fine, if not slightly exhausted from the episode. My triggers? Mostly listening to the kiddo relate their unhappiness of living with their other parent. I hear the stories and see that my ex has changed little in the 20+ years I have known him. I feel so helpless in my inability to help her. I suggest she come back home and she refuses as of right now but is hatching a plan to leave. I just hope she sees the big picture when she finally decides enough is enough and leaves. It is hard to parent a young adult. You can’t just dictate how things are going to be. I digress.

In the meantime I will continue to listen for signs of incoming panic attacks and deal with them. I will continue to listen to kiddo and advise her the best I can. I will begin to listen more to my instinct with people and life in general. The worst thing  you can do is get overwhelmed by the outside noises of life and get distracted from the path you need to take.


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