It started on Wednesday and followed me throughout Thursday. It was that anxious butterfly feeling. On Wednesday it was filled with possibilities until I revealed myself to be ill-equipped for contact with cute boys. Thursday was more filled with equal parts dread and wonder of the friendship I was trying to keep alive by crossing the Hudson and East river and whether it was worth saving. It became clear to me that I crave the attention of the opposite sex.

When my brotherly type friend of seventeen years moved closer to me just to show me something on his computer, I admit I yearned for his intentions to be less honorable. I do not find this particular friend attractive in that way but for a brief moment I was open to the possibility.

On Wednesday I was at one of my social events at a local bar. It was a good night all around. At the end of the night I invited the two people I knew to sit with me and have a drink. Neither of the girls opted to drink but sat with me so I would not drink alone.Then there were two of us and I left the table to settle my bill and when I returned a man was there talking up the other girl. I stood there for what felt like forever but it was probably just no more than a few minutes and the girl asked me if I was leaving. I said yes, I guess I am and stormed out(I feel like I stormed out). I know I overreacted in this case but I hate always becoming the invisible person in a sea of people.

I hate feeling invisible. I am fat, not dead.

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