On the fence…

As of late I have felt insecure about my job status, the strength of my friendships, my health and my ability to write 50 k words between now and November 30th as I am currently 4k words in thus far.

My job has a new boss and his style of management makes me nervous. It also makes me nervous that there is a lot of whispers of this and that. Now granted that is normal for any job, especially mine but I don’t like feeling insecure about my job. As it is I do not make enough money to make ends meet comfortably. Time will tell. There is also that incident that happened today with another co-worker. I tend to get teased because I keep to myself and usually it is all good-hearted and no foul. But today it got awkward. I was training someone and I mentioned I had a time constraint because I had to leave early to the doctor. Another co-worker chimed in with ” ” gesture as in you put make up on, sure you are going to the “doctor”. I said yes it was my favorite doctor. The co-worker burst out laughing and it made me uncomfortable. He seemed to imply my gynecologist. I blushed and walked away and IM’d him that it was not ok and he said that he didn’t technically say anything and that it was all me. The most infuriating part is that HR heard the whole interaction.

My friendships have been strained. I admit I have been distance. It has mostly been due to being in financial mess and going out cost money. I do not want to burden them with my problems so I have kept a low profile. In an effort to not be a complete hermit I have become more active in the free activities from meetup. Most of the people I have met there are loners like myself looking to get out of the house and  make human contact.

My health has been steadily crappy. Yes, I know being obese is the root of most of my issues but not all of them. Today I went to see my Urologist and we have no idea the status because I panicked when he had to examine me. I had a panic attack at the thought of being looked at down below. I was suppose to make a follow-up appointment but instead of making an appointment right there I told them I would call to make one. I worry I might never call back. Today I finally called my orthopedic doctor for an appointment about my rotator cuff and thumb pain. I haven’t seen this doctor since 2012 but lately the pain has become too much to ignore.

This year for NanoWrimo( http://www.nanowrimo.org) I have decided to participate in as many write-ins as I can. I have no school or child responsibilities so I figure that should be no issue. Yesterday I went to my second official meeting with the group and was peeved that the organizer of that particular meeting spot was inept to moderator a meeting. She and a fellow writer in arms kept talking and making it hard to concentrate on writing. I need to find another location with another set of folks that focus on actually writing. That is the great thing about NanoWrimo in that there are so many resources and opportunities to get your writing on.

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2 thoughts on “On the fence…

  1. I can totally relate. There’s been a lot of rumors (aside from the also very “in my face” amount of layoffs) happening at my job. The talk is our jobs will one day be sent off shore. I decided I would start looking, as it can’t hurt and I may end up finding something better. I made a pact with myself I would not stress over the possibilities of jobs not coming through and I’d interview after hours or only when convenient to me. It’s been a lot of frustration, but I will have a summary about this soon 🙂 My point is, don’t give up. There are better options out there. This is the reason I’m awake at this ungodly hour when I have to get up at 430am. My brain is making plans and it won’t shut up lol.

    I’m also in the same boat where my new coworker has asked me multiple times to go out for lunch, but I’m so damn broke I am very closely budgeting just to stay afloat. I don’t like to talk about my finances (because it’s none of her biz) either, but she put me on the spot for a reason the other day. It pretty much peeved me, as many people here do in a similar way.

    I’m a loner also and most of the people who sit around me (not part of my team) probably think I’m a bitch. Well, see reason above, I don’t have money to go out for expensive lunches and also…I don’t have 2+ hours to spare being away from my desk. The state of my department is not good at all right now, so just randomly being away in addition to being way behind on everything is not ideal. Far be it for any of them to ask me to do something after work that doesn’t cost me $30+ for a restaurant or hours of time away from my insanely busy desk. But, that’s another matter.

    Your coworker was out of line with that comment and that was not necessary. I would have been irritated too. I never wear makeup at work, I’m like, who do I have to impress?

    I’m sorry to hear of your health concerns. I will not nag you to call, because as soon as I read that, I said “well if that were me, I’d never call.” I know that feeling all too well.

    From someone in a similar boat, I can say that as dark as things get… they do get better. Maybe consider putting your feelers out for a job and be selective because you can right now. You never know, if you end up landing something for more money it could help in more than one way in life and open up more possibilities. It is not a fun ride, but landing something makes it all worthwhile in the end.

    Hope it all comes together soon.

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