In the last couple of weeks I have worked on faking it until I felt it. It is not working and the feeling of “happy” still alludes me.
A quick update of my life is as follows…I went to visit my maternal grandmother and my extended family in Florida. The timing was great in that kiddo was here and one of my younger sisters was having a baby and the time off was approved. Due to budgetary concerns I drove down instead of flying. The downside was the wear and tear on the body and car but the upside was that I got to see more people and could pick and choose my departure date. The last part being particularly helpful since the week I was set to return a blizzard was on its way toward where I live. In my haste to out run the storm I got a ticket in some backward part of Georgia.
I got to see my grandmother probably for the last time alive, if the concept of being alive is breathing. She will be transferred to hospice soon. It is comforting that I know she saw me at least once and we whispered a conversation where she confused me for one of many siblings. I feel great to have seen her and “talk” to her. The last time I saw her prior to this was two years ago. It was a shock for me to see her in her condition. By all other peoples accounts what I saw was an improvement. I was a little salty after that encounter. The day I drove back I stopped by the hospital to say good bye. I would like to believe she saw me but she was having her dialysis treatment so I am not 100% convinced. I am not sure I am strong enough to see her when she dies. I have to make an appearance for my mom, but fuck it is going to be hard.
My paternal grandmother is healthy as a horse much to her disappointment. She wants to die. She is physically healthy but her mind is not as clear. I worry about her because dementia and Alzheimer runs on her side of the family tree. Her mother had it and her brother had it too. I worry that the family around won’t be sensitive to that. After my grandfather died three years ago I saw a side of my dad’s side of the family that gives me chills and probably Grannie too.
I stayed with my dad and viewed in plain sight the unhealthy dynamic my dad and his wife have. She hates us all and he lets her run her mouth and insult and alienate his family. In their minds he is the victim of his children’s indifference to him. She baby’s him and he loves it. She is the mouth piece of that relationship but he is pulling the strings.
My relationship with my mom and assorted siblings is complicated. I want more of a relationship but less of the drama. I have yet to figure out how to separate the two.
This week I found out an honorary uncle(my dad’s childhood bestie) who had mental health issues died due to an altercation with cops. I am not sure why it has bothered me so much. It has been a while since I had seen him and the last time we had any contact was his commentary on some of my recent facebook vacation photos. I guess it hit home that you never know when is the last time you are going to have contact with someone. Make sure all contact with those you care about count.
I am hoping life starts to look up soon. I trying to look for things to distract me and get me out of my funk. Happy comes from within and my hope is that while I am doing the things I have historically liked that happy feelings will find residence in me again.