Inspired by a writing prompt:
In a dream I am standing on a pier; I think I can see someone at the end…..
I wonder if it is a long lost relative or maybe one of the ones I have lost in the last fifteen years. It could be me from the future warning me of something I could change to help mold my future to something more positive. A girl can dream but it has proven too dangerous to dream too much or too big. The devastation of the potential disappointment could prove lethal. It has been one of those years that you wish you could redo but it is only April.
I think about it often; the idea that if I could go back in time where would I go and what would I change? If I went back to kindergarten I might modify my behavior to force myself to be more focused and social. It was easy to fall into the shadows of my older sister who was and is larger than life in her personality. Our issues really were started because our family took upon themselves to compare us instead of embrace us as we were, differences and all. Expectations of others can be painful to those who hold them and to those that do not meet them.
If I went back to high school I might change my focus level and my involvement in activities. At that point in my life I had so much angst about everything. I had internalized all my disappointments about my family and myself. My inability to see the bigger picture limited me then as it sometimes does even now.
If I went back to the time I met my ex-husband I would run like my life depended on it with the information I have now. I might lose the harsh lessons I learned by being with him but I might not have lost so much of who I was as a person. If we had met in another time of our lives maybe it could have worked out better. My only regret would be to lose the one good thing that came out of knowing him, my kiddo. So maybe I might not change meeting him but how I handled all the ugliness that plagued our relationship. I am still recovering from that relationship even fourteen years free. It casts a shadow on all my relationships. Some people can go through something as traumatic as being married to my ex and come out stronger, which I did but I did not get out unscathed. The PTSD struggle is real.