The year 2016 has sucked like no other in recent memory even including those two years I was unemployed. No desire to recap all my misfortune but suffice to say the shit keeps piling on.

About two weeks ago I went in to get tested to determine if I had diverticulitis and as it turns out, I don’t. Not to show up empty handed the technician found a spot on the lower middle interior of my lung. It was 4 mm nodule spot. My primary care doctor said that since they had not gone searching for that and it was an incidental finding they would wait six months to see if it grows. I thought to myself, this is why people die of cancer. Granted I am not a smoker and do not have any other major risk factors but I think a wait and see approach to possible cancer is lazy. It should warrant some further testing. Maybe that is just me.  After some back and forth with the doctor she gave me a list of pulmonary specialist and wished me luck. It took all the strength I had to  not beat a bitch. Just saying. I made some calls and have an appointment the Monday after my 40+1 birthday which is exactly what I would like to be doing on my birthday weekend.

In all this mess I ran out of money before my next paycheck which was thankfully this past Friday. I got current with some bills, and renewed my drivers license. My goal for the next two weeks is to not have to overdraft on my account since I have to pay rent with the next check. Fuck my life!Note to self: Running out of money for food should never be a diet option. I spent two days being very, very cranky.

It hasn’t been all gloom. I did see my kiddo for mothers day and I found alternate ways to get to and from NJ for free, well mostly free.

Some things I have learned this year so far is that I do not have good, close, live nearby friends and for the most part I will have struggle through my stuff alone. In itself that is probably for the best since right now I am not the easiest to deal with on a day to day basis. I am cranky. I am moody. I am need of sexercise stress release. I am in need of a little levity in my life. I need to find my happy place when and where possible. I have my book clubs. I have my writing group and also a writing partner. I have wheels and am willing to travel. Driving, I have found is a good stress relief for me so when budget permits I take scenic Sunday drives into the NJ wilderness. I think perhaps I should look for some low impact, picture taking hiking group.

Here is hoping life starting turning around to a better place. I want to live and I am not sure if I want to keep living how I have been. I have a lot of important decisions to make. My year is almost up. I have to prioritize what I want and what is feasible toward that goal as of right now. Baby steps. But that baby needs to start crawling toward something.

Advertisements