It is not so much that we are close or the fact that I had requested time off to help her drive from NJ to FL not alone. I wanted to do this road trip because lately I have felt disconnected from myself, my family and life in general. I wanted to feel connected to another person and also escape the reality that is my life these days. It was not meant to be apparently. My older sister botched that plan when she invited her daughter to accompany her on the journey. I realized with the description of her altered plans that having to come to my area would detract her from her new timeline. She wanted to see old friends and stay at her besties house, citing more space. I realized she had no intention of seeing me or where I live or wanting to know anything about my life so I made it easy and bowed out citing no need for a third driver and highlighting the distance of where I live relative to her friends place. It is for the best I guess.

As a result of the change I took a day off of my planned days off and have started looking for alternate plans for a trip. The need for a reprieve is still there and I am inclined to give into it. I have added to my potential trips three places where two are in driving distance, Boston or Toronto. The other is Chicago but I have already been there in the last year so I am not as actively pursuing that option. There is always Texas where one of my good friends live but then I wondered if maybe considering everything they are juggling it might not be the best time from them to host a guest.

My sister’s change of plans hurt mostly because I was so easily discarded. Instead of me helping her I felt like a burden she had to include because she had said she would, like when were kids. If she had not needed me initially I might not even know she was visiting. I would have been an after though at best.

The root of my disappointment is that I expected to be valued more than I am by her. Historically speaking I should have known better.

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