October 7th, 2015

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on October 07, 2015. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org

Dear FutureMe,

This is a difficult time for you emotionally and as usual financially. No matter how many OT hours and work from home hours you do it never seems to be enough to live more than just from paycheck to paycheck. Here is hoping that you have figured out a way to ease your financial abyss. I hope it does not include going to back to school just to make ends meet with the refunds.

You hate where you stand at work. You sense an confrontation looming on the horizon. Here is hoping it doesn’t happen and if it does it is on your own terms.

You are having frequent panic attacks. They have left you crying uncontrollably and shaking you in your sleep to the point you have fallen off the bed while you sleep.

You have lost an interest in getting out and doing stuff. You have put effort to connect with others but nothing has come of it. It has been draining. The amount of effort you have invested has highlighted how alone you feel deep inside.

You worry constantly about the child. You feel helpless in not being able to help her. I hope in a year things are looking up for her.

Since this letter to myself things got better and I even bought a car more out of necessity than anything else. Then things went back to more of the same and for a brief time downright dire. I spent 4 months in a candlelit, no cable to watch tv and eating once a day at best, on a good day kind of lifestyle. It was worse than the time I was I unemployed. I got hooked on scratch offs in hopes of turning my luck around which of course made it worse. Short of the recent Thursday disaster things have been stable most days.

Work has improved and the added duties have helped breakup the mundane nature of my job. It got even better when one of the toxic people in the office went on medical leave. Unfortunately they return on Monday. They visited on Friday to check in and you could see the dark cloud around them and the negative energy they bring to anything.

The panic attacks are less severe. Yay for meditation, writing and long drives.

I still have no interest in people and the things I used to love before. The medication helps.

I still worry about the child. I have taken to pushing them to think for themselves and ask themselves what they want as opposed to relying on what I might think on something. I still share my thoughts if asked directly but I don’t give instructions. They need to learn to find solutions. Life is all about problem solving.


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