It has been a while since I have written here and I miss writing but not so much blogging. Hopefully I can reconcile these two feelings soon and get back to it.
Since my last blog, I have lost another family member. It was rather sudden for me as I am not particularly close with my moms side of the family. I am also the only one from my moms side in the area I live in with the exception of one group, which in the nine years I have been back in NJ I have seen only a handful of times. My cousin was 87 years young, and one of the only last living family of my mom’s elders. I had found out he had had a heart attack because I had called his son, which is my age, to wish him a happy birthday. He couldn’t talk because his dad was in the hospital. After work I rushed to the hospital and went every two days to see him and comfort my extended family. Unfortunately two weeks almost to the day he had the heart attack he chose to die instead of being kept alive through machines. He died on his own terms and
in his mind with dignity. His immediate family watched painfully as he struggled for his last breath. He happened to die holy week so he was put on ice and buried almost a week to the day he actually died. He was a great guy…funny, a great cook and with a remarkable memory. He is missed by all that knew and loved him.
In January I got promoted and have stumbled a bit with others accepting it and me adjusting to my new role in the grand scheme of the team. It has been hard balancing my new duties, others expectations of what that looks like and my ability to transition gracefully. I have always been a good worker but have struggled with the social politics and I guess that it is why it has taken so long in my career to get the recognition.
I have been struggling since December with rent and the idea that the new landlords refuse to fix a thing. So I have lived in an apartment with no heat in the winter, buckling walls, water damaged walls where the window is, outlets not working and I have had to get creative with plumbing solutions. In light of all these issues I stopped paying rent. I had sent a notice indicating I would move by April 1st but that fell through. They followed up with an eviction notice but had a back date that did not match the dates in the body of the letter and despite having my name at the top of letter it was technically addressed to a Ms. Robinson, no joke. I accelerated my search, contemplated going above my price range but luckily found a place within budget and in a neighboring town. The town is not my first choice but it is not bad. I suspect it has to do with the proximity to my hometown and so it feels like I am going backwards instead of forward. In reality I think it is definitely an upgrade from my most recent apartment even if the new neighborhood is not as aesthetically pleasing. The moving of the heavy stuff today was tiresome even though to be fair I barely picked up a piece of furniture. I guess all the stress of getting it done/coordinated has finally caught up with me because I feel like I moved all the stuff myself by myself. I am just glad it is over.
Spiritually I have grown in leaps and bounds. I feel so connected to spirit and also sometimes at the most inconvenient times, ha! I admit it scares me a little bit but I embrace and am willing to confront it and not cower in fear of something I don’t completely understand quite yet.
On the health front things have also been stressful and there have been a lot of close calls but luckily so far so good.