Recently I turned another year older but not much wiser. I seem to keep making the same mistakes over and over. It seems sometimes that I have somehow made progress but then life shows examples that it is just an illusion.

For the last two years money has been tight. I have always struggled as an adult with money and lately it seems I have not mastered it still. I wonder what I keep doing wrong. This year started with a promotion and a 10% raise and somehow it is not enough. I spent a year not paying rent in my old place because of the landlords unwillingness  to fix anything and having to spend a very cold winter. It all came to a head in March/April and they sent me an eviction notice, however the dates were wrong and it was addressed to a mysterious unknown Ms. Robinson( not a joke, ha). It basically made it not legally binding and I lived another month before moving into my new place. I thought the new neighborhood would be worse, because on paper it is, however it has been a pleasant surprise of tranquility.

Today proved to be a watershed moment for me: I had to borrow money from the kiddo, I had to ask my mom for money and my dad also. I found myself without money for food or gas. When all was said and done I felt that in an hour I had aged ten years. This cannot continue to be my reality. From this day forward I refuse.

For the last few years I have struggled with desire. Desire for life, desire for happiness, and desire to be desired. The thing I have learned recently from talking to a friends husband, Redneck, is that you are only as unattractive as you feel, that confidence is sexy and clothes matter, and also due to a poll I took with other various male friends, I am not unattractive just socially inept in certain situations, which makes me hard to read. I recently had my friend, the Beard, over to celebrate my recent birthday and I asked why we never hang with his girl in tow. After some futile denials that she just simply doesn’t like me he admitted that he liked to hang out with the version of me that was not socially awkward. It seems with him my guard is completely down and I am cool to hang with but in mixed company… not so much.

In motherhood I have struggled with feelings of having fucked up royally. My kiddo, which just turned 21, is a good person. My biggest fail is that I coddled too much and protected to the point that they are now struggling with balancing still being a kid and not really being a kid anymore. I am hopeful that will work itself out. I now struggle between being there for them and letting them figure shit out. I give advice when asked but no longer offer solutions. They need to start making decisions.

Within the next year I hope I have made progress in all areas that I have sucked in thus far. I am too old for this shit.

 

 

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