So in the last few weeks things have gotten very dark for me and I have contemplated suicide. I got this sense of relief when I felt I had made a decision. There was no timeline in place or method in mind. I just wanted the pain and suffering to be done. Then the leader singer of Linkin Park committed suicide via hanging. The first thought was it was so sad he would leave a young family behind. The second thought was why did he do it so messy ? Why couldn’t he make it look like natural causes? Did he not think of the person who would have to find him? My final thought was how were his family going to make sense of this ? Then I realized that suicide was not something I could follow through on on a whim.
I have taken steps to help right my mindset. I do not want to die and I don’t know how much more I can take. A road trip was born. Driving has always been therapeutic and so far it has worked. I have reconnected with a childhood friend and they have graciously let me stay at their place in Tennessee. Two 2017 goals have been realized, reconnecting and visiting a place I have never been. In the next couple of days I will make it to Miami, not before visiting a sister in Orlando and a friend in Valdosta GA and hopefully reconnect with family.
My hope is that this trip helps me feel loved, connected and the driving clears my clouded thoughts.