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According to Sarah

Sunday Stealing…Fathers Day edition

We found this gem this meme off a blogger called Sama at Lazy Artist Girl. She doesn’t say from where she stole it. But, it was probably stolen at that blog as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft’s thieves might take some time. Please consider liking WTIT on Facebook. Click here.

Cheers to all us thieves! 

Sunday Stealing: The Ginormous Questions 

1. Are you single? yes

2. Are your parents still married? to each other? no

3. Are you in love? with the idea of love

4. Do you believe in love at first sight? i believe in lust at first sight

5. Who ended your last relationship? i got ghosted

6. Have you ever been hurt by a break up? yes

7. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? legend has it , yes

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer? not that i know of

9. Prefer love or lust? preferably both within the same person

10. Prefer a few best friends or many regular friends? a few….i dont need a whole crew

11. Wild night out or romantic night in? romantic night in, however recently i realized i could benefit from more wild nights out

12. Back in the day: Been caught sneaking out? no

13. Ever wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? yes

14. Who are/is your best friend(s)? The Beard dude is my best friend but I am not necessarily his

15. Ever wanted to disappear? Lately very often

16. First attraction: Smile or eyes? eyes

17. Prefer intelligence or attraction? both …attraction only lasts for so long…if we cant hold a conversation it will never last

18. Last phone call you received? my friend who i witnessed for today through a tense family issue

19. Last thing you drank? pepsi from taco bell

20. Before your current one, when was your last relationship? it has been so long, i cant even remember

21. Do you and your family get along? most days

22. Would you say you have a “screwed up life”? depends on the day…today might not be the best day to ask me that question

23. Have you ever gotten kicked out somewhere? If yes, do tell. Well a friend wanted to show me a Chinese restaurant they loved. By the end of the meal we were asked to leave. She annoyed them by talking to them in their native language. She was a white girl showboating.

24. Do you trust all your friends? Hahaha….I trust no one

25. Who knows the most about you?  I do. I know all my truths, lies and weaknesses. The friend that knows my most authentic self is the Beard.

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42 and counting…

Recently I turned another year older but not much wiser. I seem to keep making the same mistakes over and over. It seems sometimes that I have somehow made progress but then life shows examples that it is just an illusion.

For the last two years money has been tight. I have always struggled as an adult with money and lately it seems I have not mastered it still. I wonder what I keep doing wrong. This year started with a promotion and a 10% raise and somehow it is not enough. I spent a year not paying rent in my old place because of the landlords unwillingness  to fix anything and having to spend a very cold winter. It all came to a head in March/April and they sent me an eviction notice, however the dates were wrong and it was addressed to a mysterious unknown Ms. Robinson( not a joke, ha). It basically made it not legally binding and I lived another month before moving into my new place. I thought the new neighborhood would be worse, because on paper it is, however it has been a pleasant surprise of tranquility.

Today proved to be a watershed moment for me: I had to borrow money from the kiddo, I had to ask my mom for money and my dad also. I found myself without money for food or gas. When all was said and done I felt that in an hour I had aged ten years. This cannot continue to be my reality. From this day forward I refuse.

For the last few years I have struggled with desire. Desire for life, desire for happiness, and desire to be desired. The thing I have learned recently from talking to a friends husband, Redneck, is that you are only as unattractive as you feel, that confidence is sexy and clothes matter, and also due to a poll I took with other various male friends, I am not unattractive just socially inept in certain situations, which makes me hard to read. I recently had my friend, the Beard, over to celebrate my recent birthday and I asked why we never hang with his girl in tow. After some futile denials that she just simply doesn’t like me he admitted that he liked to hang out with the version of me that was not socially awkward. It seems with him my guard is completely down and I am cool to hang with but in mixed company… not so much.

In motherhood I have struggled with feelings of having fucked up royally. My kiddo, which just turned 21, is a good person. My biggest fail is that I coddled too much and protected to the point that they are now struggling with balancing still being a kid and not really being a kid anymore. I am hopeful that will work itself out. I now struggle between being there for them and letting them figure shit out. I give advice when asked but no longer offer solutions. They need to start making decisions.

Within the next year I hope I have made progress in all areas that I have sucked in thus far. I am too old for this shit.

 

 

Boundaries

It has been said, yelled and written by those that know me that I have little to no concept of boundaries. Imagine their surprise when boundaries is one of my 2017 goals. I want to know the literal meaning and what those meanings signify to me and how I feel most comfortable executing it. There has been some resistance from my established social circle, small as it may be.

There are those that think it is about time and wonder what took me so long. Those are also those who resist most when I apply boundaries toward them. They are quick to remind me of all things I have done in the past in regards to not respecting boundaries.

I am most amused most by those that think that it is just a phase and it too shall pass. It could very well be a phase but I am determined to make it a lifestyle.

“Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits”, as per the wikipedia definition.

Based on my personal beliefs and experiences my top three boundaries so far are as follows:

-Don’t ask me for help with anything you are not willing to help in the same way.

-I watch not so much what you say but what you do. If you tell me I am like a sister to you and I also see that you speak badly of your own real sister, that is all I need to know to how you will speak of me when I am not around. I will only share with you what I wouldn’t mind others knowing. Golden rule: those that gossip about others will gossip about you.

-My time is just as valuable as yours. Do not treat me like an after thought. Three strikes and  you are out.

This list is a work in progress but I think it worth exploring.

Life update…

It has been a while since I have written here and I miss writing but not so much blogging. Hopefully I can reconcile these two feelings soon and get back to it.

Since my last blog, I have lost another family member. It was rather sudden for me as I am not particularly close with my moms side of the family. I am also the only one from my moms side in the area I live in with the exception of one group, which in the nine years I have been back in NJ I have seen only a handful of times. My cousin was 87 years young, and one of the only last living family of my mom’s elders. I had found out he had had a heart attack because I had called his son, which is my age, to wish him a happy birthday. He couldn’t talk because his dad was in the hospital. After work I rushed to the hospital and went  every two days to see him and comfort my extended family. Unfortunately two weeks almost to the day he had the heart attack he chose to die instead of being kept alive through machines. He died on his own terms and

in his mind with dignity. His immediate family watched painfully as he struggled for his last breath. He happened to die holy week so he was put on ice and buried almost a week to the day he actually died. He was a great guy…funny, a great cook and with a remarkable memory. He is missed by all that knew and loved him.

In January I got promoted and have stumbled a bit with others accepting it and me adjusting to my new role in the grand scheme of the team. It has been hard balancing my new duties, others expectations of what that looks like and my ability to transition gracefully. I have always been a good worker but have struggled with the social politics and I guess that it is why it has taken so long in my career to get the recognition.

I have been struggling since December with rent and the idea that the new landlords refuse to fix a thing. So I have lived in an apartment with no heat in the winter, buckling walls, water damaged walls where the window is, outlets not working and I have had to get creative with plumbing solutions. In light of all these issues I stopped paying rent. I had sent a notice indicating I would move by April 1st but that fell through. They followed up with an eviction notice but had a back date that did not match the dates in the body of the letter and despite having my name at the top of letter it was technically addressed to a Ms. Robinson, no joke. I accelerated my search, contemplated going above my price range but luckily found a place within budget and in a neighboring town. The town is not my first choice but it is not bad. I suspect it has to do with the proximity to my hometown and so it feels like I am going backwards instead of forward. In reality I think it is definitely an upgrade from my most recent apartment even if the new neighborhood is not as aesthetically pleasing. The moving of the heavy stuff today was tiresome even though to be fair I barely picked  up a piece of furniture. I guess all the stress of getting it done/coordinated has finally caught up with me because I feel like I moved all the stuff myself by myself. I am just glad it is over.

Spiritually I have grown in leaps and bounds. I feel so connected to spirit and also sometimes at the most inconvenient times, ha! I admit it scares me a little bit but I embrace and am willing to confront it and not cower in fear of something I don’t completely understand quite yet.

On the health front things have also been stressful and there have been a lot of close calls but luckily so far so good.

 

 

Year in review…

When I was a kid the holidays, especially Christmas, was  happy and exciting time of the year. My maternal grandmother, Mima, would cook quite a feast and both sides of my family would convene at her three bedroom house. The kids would run and play and laughter, music and happiness filled the small place.

As time has gone on they have become less festive and more solitary. This year in particular is the least Christmas I have felt in years. It could be that I am far from my extended family. It could be that the holidays have started with two funerals in the last two weeks, or that I am rethinking my role in an otherwise shitty year that has been 2016.

January 2016 started with a great party at a good family friends house. She is someone I met through my best friend from high school and in the last eight years she took me in and treated me and my kid like family. Toward the end of January I made a road trip to see my grandmother before she died and celebrate the birth of my new nephew. It was bittersweet.

February 2016, my maternal grandmother died. I regret I could not making it to her service. I took comfort in that I got to see her before she died and she saw me and we spoke.

March 2016, the financial situation took  scary turn.

June 2016, was relatively good I guess. I got to spend time with kiddo for our respective birthdays. The highlight of the time between March and June.

July 2016 I went to a family wedding. It was a nice break from the financial gloom.

August 2016, little did I know it would be the last time I would see my family friend. We saw a movie at her house and had a nice meal together.

October 2016, I did my first paying gig as a tarot card reader. It felt so natural. I did really well and helped many people. I had not read tarot for others since I was in high school. It didn’t hurt that I made good money as well. Since this I have been quite connected to spirit.

November 2016, my family friend had a stroke driving from work to home. Unfortunately she was not found in time and slipped into a coma. She was in a coma for about seven weeks before the family finally decided to take her off life support. She held on for 11 days.

December 2016, my cousins husband lost his battle with colon cancer. This week my friend that was holding on died and yesterday was her funeral.

Today I go and try to have a merry Christmas.

For the last week of December I hope to get through unscathed. On Tuesday I go for my second lung CT scan. Here is hoping the rest of 2016 improves.

#team2017

Halloween Meme…

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. You may have heard the expression, “honor amongst thieves”. In that age-old tradition, we try to credit the blog that we stole it from. We also provide a link to the victim’s meme in our “Previous Victims” widget. (It’s our way of saying “Thanks!”) Sometimes we edit the original meme, to make it more relevant to our global players, to challenge our players, to select the best questions, or simply to make it less repetitive from this new meme or recently asked questions from a previously featured meme.
Cheers to all of us thieves!!! 
Halloween Meme

From the archives

1. What is the worst treat to get when trick-or-treating?   A non-candy treat
2. What character from any horror film would you most like to play? The lady from the Cate Blanchett(spelling?) The Gift
3. Would you rather be a zombie, alien, or psycho? (why) I would say psycho because everything else is too pop culture. I would use Trump as my inspiration
4. How many Halloween, Friday the 13th, or Nightmare on Elm Street movies combined do you have on dvd? None but if I did I would definitely be a nightmare on elm street collector. I loved those movies as kid.
5. What is the scariest movie you have ever seen? The conjuring was great, the shining was great and the exorcist.
6. Lamest costume you have worn on Halloween? A clown
7. Favorite Halloween treat? Snickers
 8. Friendly-faced jack o’lantern or scary one? scary
 9. Have you ever had nightmares about a scary movie character chasing you? Freddy Krueger
 10. Best thing about Halloween? The accepting nature of the occult
 11. Strangest Halloween custom you’ve heard of? Barmaid
 12. Person in your family who most likes Halloween (not counting yourself)? My kiddo used to love the holiday
 13. Are you superstitious? If so, name at least one superstition of yours. I have my moments. One superstition my mom has is about never putting your purse or money on the floor because it affects your money potential.
 14. What’s your best Halloween memory? Any that involves the kids loving it. Toward the end of our trick or treat phase they had less enthusiasm. I hope tonight is a good Halloween memory and it will also be my first adult Halloween party.
 15. At what age were you allowed to go trick-or-treating by yourself? Sometime in high school.

Bookish Meme…

Special GET WELL shout out to BUD!  Hope you have a speedy recovery!

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. You may have heard the expression, “honor amongst thieves”. In that age-old tradition, we try to credit the blog that we stole it from. We also provide a link to the victim’s meme in our “Previous Victims” widget. (It’s our way of saying “Thanks!”) Sometimes we edit the original meme, to make it more relevant to our global players, to challenge our players, to select the best questions, or simply to make it less repetitive from this new meme or recently asked questions from a previously featured meme.  
Cheers to all of us thieves!!! 

Bookish Questions

1. How long did it take you to finish your last book?  3 months

2. How many times do you stare at your bookshelves each day? 3

3. How many Goodreads friends/books do you have? 0

4. Do you ever quote books in public? No but sometimes on facebook

5. Do you ever re-read books? Yes!

6. Do you judge a book by its cover? No. I do have a three chapter rule. If by chapter 3 it doesn’t grab  me, I am done.

7. Do you take pictures of your books before you read them? Yes and post it on facebook as my currently reading book.

8. What are your biggest distractions from reading? Life and time or lack thereof.

9. Where is your favorite place to buy books? Book sales at a local library or street fair

10. Do you always have a book with you? Most days

11. Do you read during breakfast?  I miss breakfast so no reading at breakfast

12. How many hours a day would you say you read? 2

13. Do you read more or less now than you did, say, 10 years ago? Less

14. Do you consider yourself a speed reader? No. Most definitely not

15. Do you read in bed? Nope

Ghost story…

When I was in high school I lived  with my paternal grandparents. It was a house I on occasion lived in as a child due to family circumstances. It was an old house with a history and we, the kids, would try scare each other and added our own details to scare the younger of the group.I come from a large family.

In high school I lived there alone with my grandparents and stayed in the bedroom in the basement. It was basically an unfinished apartment. It had its own bathroom, an extra bedroom and a kitchen but it was unfinished in that it still felt like a basement and the all plumbing was exposed and the floor was concrete. I probably should mention that I also happened to dabble into things otherworldly. I played with the Ouija board and read tarot cards for a nominal fee.

Sometime toward the end of my senior year I was trying to get some extra zzz’s but the sun from the small windows I did have was becoming too much of distraction so I decided to move into the windowless room to sleep. It worked for about a whole 30 minutes before I had a dream that the little boy I had spotted around the house was yelling at me to go and get out, reminding me this was HIS house. I rolled over and told him to fuck off and he pushed me. I did not feel myself fall but when I woke up I was on the hard, cold concrete floor. After the initial shock wore off I jumped up and ran upstairs to tell someone. My grandmother listened patiently and then said ” well who told you to tell him to fuck off?” She was not the least bit concerned. She added that I had been complaining about a little boy bothering me since I was five years and that in fact I used to walk around the house turning on all the lights because he was bothering me. It apparently was the only way I would not see him.

The last time I saw the boy I was a grownup that had been married, had a baby and been divorced. I had a dream about him in the house and him complaining he would be homeless soon. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. A year later I make it back to my hometown and went to see the old house but it was no longer there. It had been knocked down and a three family home stood in its place. I never dreamed of him again after that.

October 7th, 2015

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on October 07, 2015. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org

Dear FutureMe,

This is a difficult time for you emotionally and as usual financially. No matter how many OT hours and work from home hours you do it never seems to be enough to live more than just from paycheck to paycheck. Here is hoping that you have figured out a way to ease your financial abyss. I hope it does not include going to back to school just to make ends meet with the refunds.

You hate where you stand at work. You sense an confrontation looming on the horizon. Here is hoping it doesn’t happen and if it does it is on your own terms.

You are having frequent panic attacks. They have left you crying uncontrollably and shaking you in your sleep to the point you have fallen off the bed while you sleep.

You have lost an interest in getting out and doing stuff. You have put effort to connect with others but nothing has come of it. It has been draining. The amount of effort you have invested has highlighted how alone you feel deep inside.

You worry constantly about the child. You feel helpless in not being able to help her. I hope in a year things are looking up for her.

Since this letter to myself things got better and I even bought a car more out of necessity than anything else. Then things went back to more of the same and for a brief time downright dire. I spent 4 months in a candlelit, no cable to watch tv and eating once a day at best, on a good day kind of lifestyle. It was worse than the time I was I unemployed. I got hooked on scratch offs in hopes of turning my luck around which of course made it worse. Short of the recent Thursday disaster things have been stable most days.

Work has improved and the added duties have helped breakup the mundane nature of my job. It got even better when one of the toxic people in the office went on medical leave. Unfortunately they return on Monday. They visited on Friday to check in and you could see the dark cloud around them and the negative energy they bring to anything.

The panic attacks are less severe. Yay for meditation, writing and long drives.

I still have no interest in people and the things I used to love before. The medication helps.

I still worry about the child. I have taken to pushing them to think for themselves and ask themselves what they want as opposed to relying on what I might think on something. I still share my thoughts if asked directly but I don’t give instructions. They need to learn to find solutions. Life is all about problem solving.

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