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According to Sarah

Expectations…

So recently I tried to have some sexy time and it was a bust. A friend informed me that it was probably due to the stress I have going on. I was bummed that after all that effort I didn’t get the pay off. The upside is that I apparently didn’t forget  how to do it, just how to enjoy it. Thank goodness for autopilot, nay on stress related side effects.

I have a friend that has limited experience in the matters of physical affections. She constantly goes to me with questions, even the basic stuff. I worry that at her tender age of 45 there is very little I can answer for her that will help. The man she likes seems more challenged in that arena than her. I worry her expectations are too high. I can’t imagine what it must be to a 45 year old virgin in this over sexual society we live in.I remember when I was young and curious things seemed easier and inexperience was mostly true on both sides of the equation. I am not sure at my tender age of 40 I could handle someone I had to  teach things to. Confidence, I find is very attractive and skill doesn’t hurt either.

Recently I tested the waters of the carnal variation and the person involved had very specific expectations. I was more than willing to give it a try and for the most part it worked out OK. I did feel at times they were trying to reenact something they read in Fifty Shades of Grey which is stupid, IMO. I am usually the sub but in this situation I grew more into the role of dom. In the back of my mind I kept thinking of that commercial of the two old ladies and one of them states this is not how this, this is not how any of this works. After we were done I decided he would not get repeat business. He is was nice and all but not where I need him to be for my tastes. I was expecting someone who had basic skills and confidence to be himself in bed and not someone he thought I needed or wanted.

 

Ask Questions Meme..

Ask Questions Meme

1. What type of criminal would you be? Horrible
2. What are you listening to right now? The little sounds of the library I am in. I hear the opening of the automatic door, the sound of the machine checking in and out items, and the typing of other people.
3. If you had to choose a stripper name, what would it be? Bambi
4. If your phone started ringing, who would you hope is calling? God assuring me that my time of tribulation is almost over.
5. Do you drink alcohol? Socially and usually wine
6. Do you smoke? Nope
7. What is the first thing you notice in someone?Their eyes. I look for how they look at me in an unguarded moment or I  notice someones shoes.
8. Do you get attached easily? I used to but these days I rarely attach to anything.
9. Do you like your eye color? Sure
10. Have any stupid human tricks? Huh?
11. Humor me. What physical ideal do you imagine in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? Kind eyes
12. Any other essential quirks/interests/other you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? Sense of humor, hard working
13. Have you ever stolen anything? No
14. Any romantic gestures you really like? The non-gesture. I do not like over the top gestures because they feel insincere.
15. What’s your favorite color and why? Any fall colors
16. What were you like when you were a kid? It really depends on who you ask. I would like to think I was a great kid. I know I had a strong desire to fit in and I lived a lot in my own head and at least one of those is still true.
17. What would your dream house be like? A victorian

18. What last made you laugh? I haven’t really laughed in a while.
19. Do you have a place you like to go to collect your thoughts? A park bench, the library
20. What is your favorite word? Fuck
21. What is your least favorite word? But….When used in a sentence I always feel like something negative will follow.
22. Would you go bungee jumping/sky diving if given the chance? Sky diving
23. Do you have any siblings? I have seven that we know of
24. Do you like to dance? Yes but I am just not that good at it
25. What is your definition of cheating? Emotional cheating. Sex with someone else is cheating but for me that is just the body and emotional cheating is giving a piece of your heart.

Stress rant…

The year 2016 has sucked like no other in recent memory even including those two years I was unemployed. No desire to recap all my misfortune but suffice to say the shit keeps piling on.

About two weeks ago I went in to get tested to determine if I had diverticulitis and as it turns out, I don’t. Not to show up empty handed the technician found a spot on the lower middle interior of my lung. It was 4 mm nodule spot. My primary care doctor said that since they had not gone searching for that and it was an incidental finding they would wait six months to see if it grows. I thought to myself, this is why people die of cancer. Granted I am not a smoker and do not have any other major risk factors but I think a wait and see approach to possible cancer is lazy. It should warrant some further testing. Maybe that is just me.  After some back and forth with the doctor she gave me a list of pulmonary specialist and wished me luck. It took all the strength I had to  not beat a bitch. Just saying. I made some calls and have an appointment the Monday after my 40+1 birthday which is exactly what I would like to be doing on my birthday weekend.

In all this mess I ran out of money before my next paycheck which was thankfully this past Friday. I got current with some bills, and renewed my drivers license. My goal for the next two weeks is to not have to overdraft on my account since I have to pay rent with the next check. Fuck my life!Note to self: Running out of money for food should never be a diet option. I spent two days being very, very cranky.

It hasn’t been all gloom. I did see my kiddo for mothers day and I found alternate ways to get to and from NJ for free, well mostly free.

Some things I have learned this year so far is that I do not have good, close, live nearby friends and for the most part I will have struggle through my stuff alone. In itself that is probably for the best since right now I am not the easiest to deal with on a day to day basis. I am cranky. I am moody. I am need of sexercise stress release. I am in need of a little levity in my life. I need to find my happy place when and where possible. I have my book clubs. I have my writing group and also a writing partner. I have wheels and am willing to travel. Driving, I have found is a good stress relief for me so when budget permits I take scenic Sunday drives into the NJ wilderness. I think perhaps I should look for some low impact, picture taking hiking group.

Here is hoping life starting turning around to a better place. I want to live and I am not sure if I want to keep living how I have been. I have a lot of important decisions to make. My year is almost up. I have to prioritize what I want and what is feasible toward that goal as of right now. Baby steps. But that baby needs to start crawling toward something.

Doodley-Do Meme

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. You may have heard the expression, “honor amongst thieves”. In that age-old tradition, we try to credit the blog that we stole it from. We also provide a link to the victim’s meme in our “Previous Victims” widget. (It’s our way of saying “Thanks!”) Sometimes we edit the original meme, to make it more relevant to our global players, to challenge our players, to select the best questions, or simply to make it less repetitive from this new meme or recently asked questions from a previously featured meme.
Cheers to all of us thieves!!! 

Doodley-Do Meme

Stolen from: i take surveys

Do you keep notes, drawings or letters that people give you? Sometimes, it really depends on who the giver was

How many true best friends are present in your life? None, maybe one. If nothing else this year has taught me who my real friends are

Do you currently have a significant other? Not in the strictest sense of the word

Would you be able to stand being in the same room as someone you hate? Yes

Do you depend on people at all, in any way? I try not to.

Have you ever lost a close friend? I have lost many friends this year they just don’t know it yet

Has anybody ever held a grudge against you for a dumb reason? Yes, I canceled on them more than once and reserved my right to not share details. You let someone know one thing and they think they have the right to know everything.

Have you ever stayed up late talking to someone you like on the phone or online? Yes

Have you ever felt backstabbed by a close friend? Yes

Have you ever regretted ignoring anybody? No. If it got to the point that I was ignoring you, you must have done something pretty awful.

Has a friend of yours ever confessed their love to you? Never

Have you written or drawn anything for somebody else? No

Do you tend to hide your emotions from certain people? How do you hide them? I hide my emotions from most people, not the same as holding my opinion. I never hold my opinion if asked directly. I hide my emotions mostly by behaving like I don’t understand

Do your friends know how to make you smile in tough times? Some of them do. My friend in Texas sent me a link to http://www.aff.com (that made me smile) ha!

Could you picture yourself on a reality TV show? Absolutely not

Are you better at drawing or coloring? Painting, so I think that falls under coloring

Do you prefer meat or seafood? Meat

Have you ever read the Bill of Rights / Declaration of Independence? Skimmed through really

Would you rather become a police officer or a firefighter? Neither. It is thankless job, especially by those you are bound to protect and serve

A to Z meme

A) What does the last text you sent say? And to whom?

My female gamer friend. It said I’m here. I was picking her up to go out.

B) What does the last text you received say? And from whom?

From female gamer friend. It said come back please. She had left her keys in my car.

C) What time do you wake up most mornings?

6am and then snooze until 7:30ish.

D) Are you afraid of walking alone at night?

Yes and no. It really depends on where I am night walking.

E) What do you do to relax at the end of a stressful day?

A sweet glass of wine and a good book.

F) Where did your last kiss take place and with whom?

8 years ago, if the question refers to romantically.

G) Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school?

No but when I did the nuns would call me Jennifer, my older sisters name.

H) Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so?

The company is a fun place to work.

I) Do you often pick up on double entendres and innuendos?

Most of the time.

J) Have you ever been offered drugs but declined?

Yes but then on my 14th birthday my sister took me into the park as her friend was driving, closed the windows and lit a blunt. I got a contact high.

K) Have you ever met someone who has completely altered your way of thinking?

Yes.

L) Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted?

Nope, unless you consider cigarettes a drug. It was the first and last one. I coughed up a storm and never tried again.

M) Tell us something weird that turns you on.

BDSM

N) When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual?

Not in a while.

O) What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately?

How the fuck did I end where I am financially.

P) When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation?

Everytime I talk to my ex husband.

Q) Do you usually initiate hugs?

Only to family, sometimes.

R) Are you a very affectionate person?

Privately yes

S) Can you roll your own cigarettes?

No frame of reference.

T) What are you looking forward to?

Digging myself out of my financial hole.

U) Do you have any tattoos. Do you want any/more?

Nope and no.

V) Are you mentally strong?

Yes and no.

W) Are you physically strong?

No

X) Do you think you’re a good person?

I like to think so.

Y) Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now.

Where I live and how much I make.

Z) What do you usually eat for breakfast?

Nothing but when I do eat breakfast it is a bagel.

Ask Questions, Yo

1. Are you a very open or private person?

Private person. I do share but with very few. Sometimes I over share but that is only if I am bursting at the seams about something.

2. Change one thing about the world what would it be?

The magnitude of loss in 2016 both personally and globally.  RIP Prince.

3. Live in any country/city, where would you choose?

Seattle, WA or Chicago, IL

4. What perfume do you wear?

I don’t.

5. How are you feeling right now?

Sleepy. It seems to be an ongoing pattern with me these days.

6. If money was no object, where would you move to?

Somewhere in Europe or Canada.

7. Who was the last person to make you cry?

Me, myself and I.  Sometimes I overthink myself to tears.

8. What age do people usually mistake you for?

Bless their hearts, 30.

9. Is there a song which can bring you to tears instantly?

The theme song of Twilights last movie.

10. Do you play video games?

When I was a kid, Atari.

11. What do you think about before you go to bed?

I ask God to bless kiddo, my current job situation.

12. Have you ever online dated?

Online dating has been my only source of dating for a while. Not so much dating sites than groups that do something I like and as a result meeting someone.

13. Do you get cranky when you’re hungry?

Yes and from my experience so do most people.

14. What drink did you last consume?

Water

15. Have you ever tripped while walking up the stairs?

Yes. I have tripped up stairs., downstairs,  and heck walking in a straight line.

16. Is there something you’re happy about at the moment?

Going to see kiddo for mothers day.

17. Are you a shy person?

Yes and no. It really depends on who you ask. I self identify as selectively social.

18. Were you happy when you woke up today?

Relatively speaking.

19. Do you like rain?

Love rain, unless I have to drive in it.

20. Can you go a day without music?

Yes but it is safer for everyone if I get atleast minimal music contact.

April 2014

Around April 14,2014this is what I had to contend with weather wise. It was unseasonably cold. It didn’t seem right that I had to scrape ice off my windshield. I realize that in the northeast it stays colder longer but this was ridiculous. Last year it was also chilly but no ice, just threats that snow might visit but luckily it was too warm and the snow turned into rain as has been the case this year. There has been no ice  or snow in April 2016 just unseasonably chilly. It seems as if this week the weather is changing to more typical spring weather. Yay!

Here is hoping that  the warming trend continues.

 

20140416_082832

Second Quarter resolutions…

I have found that it is import for me to find happy spaces for myself whenever possible. Life is too short to be miserable and as I round my 40+1 birthday it seems ever so much shorter.

In the last two weeks I have suffered pains in the gut, literally. It seems that I have a now officially diagnosed case of diverticulitis. I had learned to deal with symptoms not really understanding what was actually going on. Since I have started treatment I feel so much better but think it will be an uphill battle to learn to eat better to avoid flare ups that could land me in urgent care again. It took four days before I finally drove myself to seek professional help.

Note to self: Expand the inner circle and include folks that can help you in a pinch. Do you know how hard it is to care for your self when you haven’t been able to eat for days? It is not easy indeed. The medication kept me in a fog that made driving an adventure and at one point downright dangerous for myself and those around me. It has been a blessing to live in the center of a town where everything is in walking distance. I was quite a sight walking all mismatched and dazed to the local supermarket down the main road.

This weekend when the fog has sort of lifted I found myself seeking human contact. It is the most social I have been in a while. I reached out to the universe and the universe responded in step with what I needed, a happy space in a sea of less than a stellar year.

So in the aftermath of being sick, losing loved ones, and a pretty spectacular downturn in my financial security I think it best to implement quarterly resolutions/goals. I think maybe three reasonably attainable ones will be a good start. In three months I can check in and see how well I have stuck to them.

My first three are as follows:

Add fiber to my diet to avoid infections in my gut. I have to start with being more conscious of what I eat.

Get to 25,000 words on my novel. I hope that participating more with my writers group will help and that the writing partner I have been paired with is a good fit.

Save the minimum of $10 every paycheck, even if it will make me go negative. If possible of course avoid over drafting.

 

 

 

25 Large Meme

25 Large Meme

Stolen from: i take surveys

Travel anywhere, where would it be?

Anywhere in Europe

Meet anyone, who would it be?

JK Rowling

Bring anyone dead back to life, who would it be?

Any of grandparents

Be anyone for a day, who would it be?

A more ambitious person

Get anything for free for the rest of your life what would it be?

$1,000 a week

Change one thing about your life what would it be?

My inability to hold onto money

Have any superpower what would it be?

Meh. I’m not sure if I want more responsibility.

Be any animal for a day which would you be?

A bird. I like the idea of flying at will.

Date anyone who would it be?

Someone sincere and with sarcastic haha sense of humor.

Change one thing about the world what would it be?

The need to constantly be entertained. There was life before social media. People don’t seem to understand the concept of down/quiet time.

Live in any fictional universe which would you choose?

The magical world of Harry Potter.

Eliminate one of your human needs which would you get rid of?

Sex

Change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be?

My muffin top. It needs to go.

Change one of your personality traits which would you choose?

Sudden mood changes

Be talented at anything instantly what would you choose?

Something musical

If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

The Dali Lama

Erase an event from history (make it so it never happened) which would you choose?

September 11th

Have any hair/eye/skin color, which would you choose?

I’m fine with what I have, however my sisters blue eyes I wouldn’t mind.

Be any weight/body type, which would you choose?

Curvy but healthy figure.

 Live in any country/city, where would you choose?  

If Trump gets elected, Canada.

Change one law in your country, which would you change?

Legalize prostitution and make it have health benefits as any other job.

Be any height, which would you choose?

I don’t always like being so tall but it has its advantages. As I get older I will strink anyhow.

Have any job in the world, which would you choose?

Globe-trotting journalist.

Have anything appear in your pocket right now, what would it be?

Money

 Have anyone beside you right now, who would it be?

Someone I was reminded about today as I traveled through Brooklyn and Queens.

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