Sunday Stealing…. I Meme

The I Meme

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. You may have heard the expression, “honor amongst thieves”. In that age-old tradition, we try to credit the blog that we stole it from. We also provide a link to the victim’s meme in our “Previous Victims” widget. (It’s our way of saying “Thanks!”) Sometimes we edit the original meme, to make it more relevant to our global players, to challenge our players, to select the best questions, or simply to make it less repetitive from this new meme or recently asked questions from a previously featured meme.
Cheers to all of us thieves!!! 

The I Meme

Stolen from: The Archives

I am… a mom, sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt,ex-wife

I want… my family of two to be happy and healthy

I have… the worst case of blah this week

I wish… I could decide whether I should continue school or not

I hate… my temper

I fear… I will regret leaving school

I hear… distress in my grandmothers voice

I search… for the key to happiness

I wonder… what life will look like if I do not continue school

I regret… moving back to NJ

I love… my family

I never… know when it is time to let go

I ache… for companionship

I always… wish I could have said goodbye to my grandfather before he passed

I usually… procrastinate

I am not… a bad person

I dance… Never. I inherited my dad’s two left feet

I sing… in the car

I sometimes… have been known to be stubborn

I cry… often

I am not always… full of patience

I lose… my shit when I cannot control what I feel I could/should

I am confused… about my next step

I need…  to enjoy my upcoming vacation

I should… lose some weight…I am one french fry short of a heart attack

Friends…

I am not a friend collector. I make friends but like men I can’t really keep them.They come into my life for a season and then they are gone. Sometimes I learn something about them that comes in handy later or about myself in general. There are two friends that have been a constant in my life and I met them both before the internet and blogging.
Today I had an early dinner with my friend from H.S. She is fun to be around and there are never any awkward silences. She is fundamentally a good person. But when we hang out it is clear we are not on the same page in life or much of anything else. Despite all this I would never end our friendship. She is an anchor for me. Whenever I feel like I am losing sight of who I am we reconnect and I am reminded of who I was once and whom I will never be again. I never have to explain my family or my attitude toward them. I know her background and understand where she is coming from. We have a short hand of communication that only people who have known each other since we were 16 years old have. I love her like family but sometimes I hate her like she is family. It’s complicated.
My other long time friend is someone I met at my very first job. I am two years their senior. We connected early on and even at some point I had a crush on him but that was short lived. We took some time off the friendship and then became the thing we were always meant to be, friends. We never dated or anything ever. He has counseled me through some strange dating situations and I him during his time dating and then marrying his crazy ex wife. Lately we have lost contact and our lives have diverged drastically. We no longer really connect and well it is not that enjoyable to hang out. We have great conversations but I constantly feel judged. It is uncomfortable and yet I don’t sever the friendship, officially anyhow.

Like I said, I am not a friend collector but I also have a hard time letting go. These days I will talk to anyone but I keep them at a distance. I never let them in completely. I share and I listen to them as well, but I do not let them in. As a result I have had to handle things that I wish I had friends there for to talk, counsel and understand.

Sunday Stealing..

Threes Meme

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. You may have heard the expression, “honor amongst thieves”. In that age-old tradition, we also have our rules. First, we always credit the blog that we stole it from and we will “fess up” to the blog owner where we stole the meme. We also provide a link to the victim’s post. (It’s our way of saying “Thanks!”) We do sometimes edit the original meme, usually to make it more relevant to our global players, to challenge our players, sometimes to select that meme’s best questions, or simply to make it less repetitive from either this new meme or recently asked questions from a prior featured meme.

Let’s go!!!

Threes Meme

From Remember the Stars

1. Three things that scare me: public speaking, the side effects of my anti-depressant, failure
 2. Three people who make me laugh: an older previous co-worker AJ, my cousin Gene, Katt Williams
3. Three things I love: my daughter, myself, my grandmothers
4. Three things I hate: insincerity,long lines,mint ice cream
5. Three things I don’t understand: why bad things happen to good people, the social politics at work, poetry
6. Three things on my desk: router,thermometer, tv remote
7. Three things I’m doing right now: blogging, look at hotels for Chicago trip, worrying about school
8. Three things I want to do before I die: travel the world, see my child succeed in life, write a book
9. Three things I can do: drive, sleep, read people
10. Three things I can’t do: sleep, focus most days, get rid of my need to control everything
11. Three things you should listen to: Ed Sheeran, 80’s rock/pop, Alt Rock
12. Three things you should never listen to: strangers, republicans, panhandlers on the NYC subway
13. Three things I’d like to learn: how to ski, paint/draw, ride a bike again
14. Three favorite foods: bread, potatoes, rice
15. Three beverages I drink regularly: water, raspberry lemonade, cranberry juice
16. Three shows I watched as a kid:Smurfs, romper room, Wonder years

On the 2015 list…Chicago!

On the the list of things I wanted to do this year was to travel and preferably somewhere I had never been before. It seems I am on track because in April I am traveling to Chicago.

I have always wanted to go. I have heard mixed reviews about Chicago in general. Some good and some things not so great. The same can be said about NYC and I generally feel safe in NYC. I guess any major city has its issues. I suspect the truth about them lies somewhere in between. I am a little worried about traveling alone and for no particular reason than to check it off a list and meet up briefly with a friend from San Fran.

Things I would like to do/see while there: A blatant tourist attraction/tour, a place off the beaten path(something the locals do) and take in the architecture. Anything else is just gravy. I am not going for a long time, just basically a long weekend.

I am nervous and excited  but ultimately am hopeful I will enjoy it. Here is praying for no snow. I can’t speak for everyone in North East but I for one have snow/winter fatigue.

Baby steps…….

On the way home I decided to take the first step to being healthier, I signed up for the gym. I was lured in by the marketing of no commitment. It was not true but it is a lot cheaper than other options so I signed up. I am looking forward to getting healthy.

My aha moment? Not the fact that I can’t fit in the seats at the movies or that I have become invisible to men. It was not even that people in general treat you like you are not worth shit. It feels like people think that by making you feel bad about yourself, your weight that it will somehow motivate you to get up and just lose the weight. It is not how it works, it is not how any that of that works. It actually does the complete opposite.For someone like me who eats her feelings, feeling worse adds pounds not reduces it.
A co-worker had related a story to me of their aha moment being about getting to the point of not being able to tie their own shoes. I am way past that. I now only buy shoes I can slip on. My own aha moment was Friday morning trying to put on my fat jeans and ripping them as I attempted to put them on. I refuse to purchase a size 26 pants. Yes, I am size 26 even though I fit into a size 24 depending on the brand of jeans or the cut.

I pledge to myself: I will not die due to being fat. I will take happy pills if I have to to keep me motivated even though it kills my sex drive. I pledge to try this baby step for at least three months and reevaluate my options at that point.
Baby steps are better than no steps at all.

It may be too late…

I am a woman of a certain age that has yet to find her true love. I spent my 20’s avoiding commitment on the heels of my failed marriage. It was a traumatic enough experience to make me weary of any that came my way promising to be in it with me. I rejected the idea outright.

In my 30’s I have wanted commitment but found none willing to make said commitment with me. And now as I approach yet another decade I have little tolerance for anything less than what I want. I have spent the last twenty years figuring it out on my own and being in control. I have not always made the best decisions but they were my decisions/mistakes to make and learn from.

I wonder if maybe I have been single too long to make a relationship work. Is there such a thing as a statue of limitations on being datable? How do I find the balance?

When I found myself divorced with a kid at 23 years old I made a vow to never have a revolving door of men. It did not mean I would not date but that I would be mindful of the strength of the relationship before introducing them to my child. She met three men in the last twenty years. One was head over heels for me and even proposed, but I was still marriage shy at the time. The second was not sold on pre-existing children. The third one was the longest one but never showed an interest to take it further than what it was.

As I have gotten older my requirements have changed to the following:

Passion was important years ago, but nowadays compatibly is more important.If I am lucky I might find one where both criteria are met.I have to be attracted to you but we need to be able to hold a conversation as well.

They must also be gainfully employed.I have a job, I don’t need their money but they need to have their own as well.

At my age I am weary of a man who has never been married or have had kids or still lives at home or lives with roommates. He needs to have developed survival skills and have had to put someone else needs before his own at some point in his life.

Have a good relationship with their family and not hold onto grudges against their parents. They need to have gotten to a point in their life where they accept the fact that their parents are/were human and make/made mistakes.

I do have a two kid maximum and preferably with the same person. I have zero tolerance for multiple baby mama drama.

Am I being too demanding?

Harsh truths and other ramblings..

The reality that my life is and is going to continue to change has just sunk in:

In six months time, give or take a month, I will for the first time truly be living on my own. The rugrat is off to college.

I will have no further excuses for time management fails when it comes to my own college education.

My weight loss fail has reached epic proportions. I need to make the time to improve my general well being and help the child not to go down my weight issue path.

I am turning 40 this year. Am I ever going to get my shit together? How many decades do I need?

My doctor diagnosed me with severe depression and suggested I get medical assistance. I had an appointment for a psychiatrist this week but Blizzard 2015 got in the way. Must.Re-schedule.ASAP. I have a hate/love relationship with mood stabilizers meds. They work on me but I do not like how it makes me feel. It sometimes feels like part of me, that part that makes me ME disappears. Most would argue that it makes me a better version of myself and helps me function better as a whole.Meh.

Things I want this year:
My child to be happy and successful in her last year of HS and in college

Happy feelings/thoughts to find me and take residence within me

Be cleared for graduation by Spring 2016

Move to a new apartment and adjust to living on my own

Get certified in my job

Find a new job that I feel appreciated and gainfully compensated

Find love. A love that accepts me as I am and only wants the best for me

Travel for work, for fun. (Chicago is my first stop to this end this year)