As this year comes to an end I reflect on my 42nd year of life. It has had a lot ups, but mostly downs.
Due to recent mood downward changes, I have contemplated suicide since the summer, lost interest in all things I used to do and have in general avoided human contact where possible. The upside is I have figured out how to balance my finances a little bit more and have also come to the realization I might have a lottery scratch off problem. The very act of scratching helps relieve stress but also funds unfortunately. I used to play a max of $5 and stop reinvesting at a two digit win. Now I just play until no more cash. It feels almost like I am punishing myself for something, however I can not quite figure out exactly for what. It almost feels like I feel somewhere deep down, that I somehow I don’t deserve to have the peace of mind of cash.
Maybe it is a mid-life crisis but I have been bombarded with thoughts of moving. It has been ten years since I last moved and have less to consider when it comes to a new location. My child was underage back then but now is 21 and living outside the home. Any consideration is solely based on what I want/need. The downside is I take myself wherever I go and some days not even I want to deal with myself. I have nothing holding me in NJ and could easily move anywhere. The connections I have built here I can rebuild anywhere. I worry after the newness of the place, will I be compelled to move again? If I don’t have peace with myself I will not find peace, at least not for the long haul, anywhere, I worry. I wonder if maybe the places I have lived are not a good fit for who I am. I have picked places or have simply lived places because they are places that were familiar to me. NJ I was born and raised and FL is where my immediate family lives but if you take those two things away, I wonder do I really enjoy the places? Florida I can say with utmost certainty it was not a good fit and living in NJ has been better for my more adventurous side(have wheels, will travel side).
Any new place I consider has to have the following.:
the 4 seasons, an active downtown but a nice woodsy retreat nearby, lends itself to easy day trips to other states and a mindset focused on quality of life versus quantity of things to be had.
Things I look to for 2018 and my 43 yrs:
A sense of hope that this too shall truly pass.
That I can find the affections of someone who loves me, so I don’t always have to be strong. It would be nice to know someone has got me during the more difficult parts of life.
A resolution to my work doldrums and maybe find a place I feel more appreciated and valued.
Improved health(mentally and physically).