Life and other developments…

I used to love blogging but I also have noticed that this has become more of an update space than say a “blog”. Such is life these days I guess. I have spent this year living more than thinking about stuff too deeply.

In January I made a few resolutions: Look for a job in a lower cost of living space and preferably somewhere I have never lived, get laid, and get my finances under control.

So of that list I have hit every single one, except maybe the lower cost of living part. I got a new job and will be moving to NOVA sometime this summer. Finding a reasonable or what I considered reasonable is feeling unrealistic for the area. I had no idea how expensive it could run and how the traffic gives NYC rush hour traffic a run for their money. Fuck, my car is looking like the only reasonable financially sensible place to live. I know I will figure it out but the stress is overwhelming if I give it too much thought.

After many years of a drought I have taken getting laid and have run with it. All experiences have been positive with the exception of the fragile male ego and incompatible partners that could not find my g-spot with a map and a miners lamp. There was that one guy who left an impression on me. I enjoyed his company and I miss our talks and our weekly fucks, albeit orgasmless( at least for me). I knew he was married but he said separated but once I could figure out how to spell his uncommon last name I realized he was less separated than he had led me to believe. It was heartbreaking. I find this all out after he came for a last round, got what he wanted and then casually said, “I don’t think this is working out”, in reference to my inability to orgasm with him.  He proceeded to snuggle with me and left and I doubt I will ever see him again. I know it is the right thing, him being gone, but I do miss him.

In March I broke my driving ankle. Who knew picking up a paper from a rolling chair could be so dangerous. I was out of work for two months. Side note: The day I fell was the day I had my first phone interview with my now new/future company.

It all happened so fast, the accident, then surgery followed by the painful recovery and dealing with the nightmare that is WComp. I am finally on the mend and have gotten back to most of my regular activities, with a slight limp/waddle to my step. In the middle of all the ankle chaos my mom travels to help me for a couple of weeks and spreads her magic everywhere. Everything starts looking up for me financially and physically, just in time for another set of chaos, moving and reestablishing myself somewhere new.

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Broken Ankles and other stuff…

So recently I had a fall at work and inadvertently broke my right ankle. It has put life in perspective and highlighted the ones that care or the ones that just simply say they care.

Before this incident I had taken for granted that I was a very independent. I took for granted showers, urinating, walking and general care of my essential day to day stuff. My current reality is that of assisted showers, meals and supervised bathroom activities. In the last week I have been released from physical therapy center and have been alone at home. Despite the constant bickering I miss my mom’s presence. I also came to the realization that “arguing” is how we essentially communicate.

Here I stand on one leg and it is humbling on so many levels. I am one of the lucky ones in my current situation. I have my mom who has swooped in and been my biggest helper in things I needed help in and in times of when I could not advocate for myself and she has picked up the slack where the workers comp people have failed, miserably. Because of these insurance people, I was sent home with no equipment from the hospital, have had to fight for transportation to and from doctors appointments and been told that my only obstacle in not being able to travel on my own is my weight not the fact that I broke my right ankle in several places at work.

After much back and forth I have the necessary equipment but I am trapped in my apartment and have been told that I am required to get to my doctors appointments but that how I get there is on me. Fuck my life. At least I have  three weeks to figure out those logistics.

The other stuff on my plate is more emotional in nature. I had hooked up with a guy around St. Patrick’s Day weekend. It was a disappointing experience but he had a great personality and also the smallest penis I have ever seen in my life. I was open to trying again but as it turns out he is not. He said it was not bad, just not great either as sexual experiences go. I showed restraint and did not point out his micro-penis as it would have been seen as saying something in spite. I took a minute and said ok I understand and I wished him well. It ruined the rest of my night. It was a hard blow to my ego. He could have just said we were not compatible and/or had said it sooner than wait until I asked directly. There is a fine line between being the nice guy and being the coward.

On the friend front: I have not expected my friends to physically help me in my current physical situation but to at least call/text/email to see how I am doing. I think a reasonable expectation. It could just be me expecting too much from people.

3 weeks down of recovery, 4 more to go….

Curious Cat – Sunday Stealing

1) Do you think you’d be a good writer? What kind of writer would you like to be (fiction, children’s books, magazine, etc.)? I like to write short stories

2) I wish I had enough money to ________. to  work for fun and not for profit

3) If you had to enter a competition for the “Most Uselessly Unique Talent,” what would your talent be? Asker of questions

4) When it might hurt their feelings, how do you feel about telling your friends the truth? I am hesitant but when I do I lather it in humor

5) Peanut or plain? Plain

6) Is there someone you would like to take your place in life for one day? Who and why? Nope. I would not want to impose my misery on someone else, even for a day

7) What do you think is the ugliest thing or event on Earth? The 2016 U.S. Presidential election

8) What is your least favorite of your personality traits or quirks? My need to repeat myself

9) I wish I could see my grandparents________ because I miss them _________.

10) Tell us your favorite children’s story.

I was never a big fan of children’s stories. My paternal grandmother would rock us to sleep singing ” Abuelita, Abuelita no me arranca la cabeza porque mi mama mi a enterrado por un ilo que faulto” Grandma, Grandma please don’t grab me by the hair as my mom has buried me because a thread was missing.

11) What do you keep in the trunk of your car? Bodies and assorted car tools I have no idea how to use. Ha

12) Describe your perfect, rainy afternoon. Curled up with a good book

13) Tell us about your favorite way to get lost in a simple activity — running, chopping vegetables, folding laundry, whatever. What’s it like when you’re in “the zone”? Listening to music from spotify.

14) What parts of nature do you like best? The beauty of it. I hike just to get great outdoor photos and in doing so I get to rest.

15) What’s the kindest act you have ever seen done (either to/by you or another)? I drove a lady home from the train station. It was not the smartest thing to do but it turned out ok.

You know you are a mom when…

Becoming mom is life altering and usually in ways you don’t think they will.  Your relationships with your partner, friends and family changes/evolves. If you a young mom like I was, it helped strengthen or reveal cracks in some of the friendships I had pre-baby.

I had my kid at 21 and at the time most of my friends were single and childless. Our routines had diverged in ways that some never recovered from. Some friendships took a hiatus but became reestablished when I was no longer knee deep in diapers and sleepless nights. Other friendships were instrumental to me keeping my sense of self and sanity post child. Eventually the friends starting catching up and getting married and having kids. There were usually no play dates because at that point my kiddo was too old to play with toddlers and such. I was married, babified and divorced by the time I was 26.

The stress of a faulty and ill matched husband and the general stress that comes with parenthood, my marriage crumbled into unfix-able pieces. Dating  had taken a whole new meaning. I did not pursue conventional relationships and separated my adult activities with my mom duties. I was basically living a double life where both parts rarely ever intersected. I was always worried about potential abuse of my kid. I figured there would be time to get back in the dating world in earnest once the kid got older. Unfortunately I had the same sad results with going back to school. It was too hard to juggle a full-time job, kids and anything extra. I had no clue how easy it was to get caught up in life and lose sight of the bigger picture.

Life becomes less about you and more about the person you helped create and didn’t ask to be born. It is easy to fall into this mindset and forego all else. It is a tricky balance to tread.

On New Year’s eve I traveled to my exes house to drop off kiddo. Until he got home and pointed out that I am too old and grown to be traveling out of a laundry basket bag it didn’t dawn on me to be odd. I defended myself by stating kiddo was using the only one I had left. My ex husband rolled his eyes and walked away. He came back with a suitcase he ended up gifting me. Up until that point it did not strike me as odd to go without a suitcase if my kid needed one. It was one of those aha moments, a gentle nudge from the universe reminding me I was and will always be a mom first, and everything else secondary.

 

Mama’s Losin It: Something I learned in March

Writing Prompts:

1. Something you learned in March.
2. Write a blog post inspired by the word: cracked.
3. Yesterday I forgot to…
4. Today I will…
5. Write about something you worry about.
6. List 8 things you would like to do during Spring Break.

The month of  March had it’s up and downs. I learned that life can change without notice. It is as unpredictable as the weather. It can swoop in and cause chaos and then be gone in an instant like nothing happened. It is enough to drive anyone to drink if you think about it too long.

I fell off a chair in a chance moment of sitting at the wrong chair at the wrong time. The chair I fell from was not mine and I generally do not have to sit there. I was waiting for a co-worker I had taken to carpool home for a little extra cash. A paper fell and instead of getting up I rolled the chair back and leaned down to get a piece of paper that had fallen. The chair continued to roll without me and I fell left but landed facing right, in essence breaking my right ankle in several places and had to have surgery. Since the surgery it has been a logistics nightmare to get care because I live alone and the insurance company is being stubborn with any accommodations that they do not themselves propose. Who are they to go against medical advice? It comes down to money. I still cannot see how it is cheaper to keep me in a facility than get a company to lift me out of the house once every couple of weeks to see my doctor. Such is the battle that continues much to my frustration and to that of my mom who took time off from work to help in my recovery. My mom has a job and a life she needs to get back to. How much longer can they keep me? They threaten to not pay for my services if I do not comply with their direct orders. I reached out to my landlord about a temporary ramp. Here is hoping we can all find  happy medium.

I am exercising the art of patience that I have learned does not come naturally to me. I miss my independence. I will never take walking, peeing or showering alone and on my own terms again.  Value your health because when it goes to shit nothing else really matters.

Broken ankles and other stuff…

So two weeks ago I slipped off a rolling chair at work, falling left but landing right. I thought perhaps it was sprained at best but I was mistaken. The ankle was broken in three places and surgery followed the next day. This Friday will be two weeks since surgery and two weeks into recovery. It feels like the anguish will never end but I know logically this too will pass. The logistics of my care has been a bit of a nightmare.

In other news, I was unofficially looking for work closer to family, specifically the kiddo. She lives in a city I am not keen on living in but anywhere in the D.C., VA or surrounding MD is closer than my current location of NJ. A job I applied and did one phone interview before my ankle situation and a second one while in physical rehab facility, is going to proceed to yet a third phone interview with the direct manager for the position. There are definitely a lot of things up in the air. Things can go either way. I do not want to lose my current job unless it is of my own free will. I like where I work and I like what I do. I do not like the office politics, which yes I know is in every work place. I am open to finding something new and exploring a new work dynamic and a better work/life balance. I did a big move once and built a life for myself and I am pretty certain that at 43, I still have it in me to try again.

On the relationship front I have also made a little progress. I have not pursued conventional  relationships but more along the lines of casual companionship. I dusted off my AFF account and have met thus far five men and hooked up with two of them and first base with one. A total of three carnal encounters. It was one of the only new years resolutions I have been able to keep. The first encounter we played it safe and met in a public place. We talked for a little bit and then I followed him home. We talked and I could tell if we had met any other way, we would be good friends. After what felt like a considerable amount of time we headed to his bedroom. He was not as assertive as I usually like and we were not kissing compatible and when things started to get going he lost his erection mid-thrust. The second person I  met, I loved how he kissed however our nether regions did not like each other. The third guy I met I kind of went against my “type” and it did not have a happy ending. He was nice enough but we were not compatible on any level. It did not help when I asked what he thought of Trump he went into a passionate monologue about how Trump is making America again. I felt the female equivalent of shrinkage. I ended up sleeping over and he practically fixed me a lunch bag when I left the next morning. The fourth guy was a replacement for a guy who canceled last minute. He had a cute face but when I saw him waddle in I knew it was NEVER going to happen. Did we have great conversation? Sure. Was his face attractive? Sure. I mentally had him in the friend zone by the time we made it to the parking lot. The fifth guy was the second person I had relations with. We were not compatible on many things but I loved the humor and intelligent conversation. I gave it a try and it was relatively successful. I would not mind seeing him again but I will come with suggestions. He gets A++ for effort and enthusiasm. There are two guys in the wings which I have been talking to and not met.

It seems I have upped up on the spiritual front. I have become more sensitive to things in a way I have not before. It is scary and exciting. Once I figure out how to keep it under wraps I will love to explore it from a safe measured distance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thought provoking- Sunday Stealing

1. What Are Three Things You Need To Buy? A winning lottery ticket, my mom a gratitude gift for all her recent help, and when possible a nice vacation to a place I have yet to visit.
2. My Biggest Hope Is
my broken right ankle heals sooner rather later______.
3. What Was The Last New Thing You Tried?
A Jewish ginger guy in bumble fuck NJ
4. What Mood Were You In Today?
Cool and collected but deep down determined to get out of physical therapy rehab center
5. What would be a better name for the color of goldenrod-colored paper?
Shade of poop
6. Where did you get your silverware?
99 cents store
7. What artifact from this past week would you have bronzed as a keepsake and heirloom?
The cast from my broken ankle
8. What was the most recent ceremony you attended?
A reiki session
9. What east Asian cuisine is good for your Seoul?
low-mein

10.What life lesson did you learn the hard way? Be humble. Sometimes you are the shoe and sometimes you are the poop.
11. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
Getting healthy and finishing school
12. What gets you excited about life?
Road trips and family
13. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
I fell off a rolling chair at work. The chair rolled without me still in position to sit in it
14. What does your joy look like today?
Thoughts that this too shall pass and that I hopefully go home before the weekend
15. When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?
What I leave behind in terms of legacy and family