Baby steps…….

On the way home I decided to take the first step to being healthier, I signed up for the gym. I was lured in by the marketing of no commitment. It was not true but it is a lot cheaper than other options so I signed up. I am looking forward to getting healthy.

My aha moment? Not the fact that I can’t fit in the seats at the movies or that I have become invisible to men. It was not even that people in general treat you like you are not worth shit. It feels like people think that by making you feel bad about yourself, your weight that it will somehow motivate you to get up and just lose the weight. It is not how it works, it is not how any that of that works. It actually does the complete opposite.For someone like me who eats her feelings, feeling worse adds pounds not reduces it.
A co-worker had related a story to me of their aha moment being about getting to the point of not being able to tie their own shoes. I am way past that. I now only buy shoes I can slip on. My own aha moment was Friday morning trying to put on my fat jeans and ripping them as I attempted to put them on. I refuse to purchase a size 26 pants. Yes, I am size 26 even though I fit into a size 24 depending on the brand of jeans or the cut.

I pledge to myself: I will not die due to being fat. I will take happy pills if I have to to keep me motivated even though it kills my sex drive. I pledge to try this baby step for at least three months and reevaluate my options at that point.
Baby steps are better than no steps at all.

It may be too late…

I am a woman of a certain age that has yet to find her true love. I spent my 20’s avoiding commitment on the heels of my failed marriage. It was a traumatic enough experience to make me weary of any that came my way promising to be in it with me. I rejected the idea outright.

In my 30’s I have wanted commitment but found none willing to make said commitment with me. And now as I approach yet another decade I have little tolerance for anything less than what I want. I have spent the last twenty years figuring it out on my own and being in control. I have not always made the best decisions but they were my decisions/mistakes to make and learn from.

I wonder if maybe I have been single too long to make a relationship work. Is there such a thing as a statue of limitations on being datable? How do I find the balance?

When I found myself divorced with a kid at 23 years old I made a vow to never have a revolving door of men. It did not mean I would not date but that I would be mindful of the strength of the relationship before introducing them to my child. She met three men in the last twenty years. One was head over heels for me and even proposed, but I was still marriage shy at the time. The second was not sold on pre-existing children. The third one was the longest one but never showed an interest to take it further than what it was.

As I have gotten older my requirements have changed to the following:

Passion was important years ago, but nowadays compatibly is more important.If I am lucky I might find one where both criteria are met.I have to be attracted to you but we need to be able to hold a conversation as well.

They must also be gainfully employed.I have a job, I don’t need their money but they need to have their own as well.

At my age I am weary of a man who has never been married or have had kids or still lives at home or lives with roommates. He needs to have developed survival skills and have had to put someone else needs before his own at some point in his life.

Have a good relationship with their family and not hold onto grudges against their parents. They need to have gotten to a point in their life where they accept the fact that their parents are/were human and make/made mistakes.

I do have a two kid maximum and preferably with the same person. I have zero tolerance for multiple baby mama drama.

Am I being too demanding?

Harsh truths and other ramblings..

The reality that my life is and is going to continue to change has just sunk in:

In six months time, give or take a month, I will for the first time truly be living on my own. The rugrat is off to college.

I will have no further excuses for time management fails when it comes to my own college education.

My weight loss fail has reached epic proportions. I need to make the time to improve my general well being and help the child not to go down my weight issue path.

I am turning 40 this year. Am I ever going to get my shit together? How many decades do I need?

My doctor diagnosed me with severe depression and suggested I get medical assistance. I had an appointment for a psychiatrist this week but Blizzard 2015 got in the way. Must.Re-schedule.ASAP. I have a hate/love relationship with mood stabilizers meds. They work on me but I do not like how it makes me feel. It sometimes feels like part of me, that part that makes me ME disappears. Most would argue that it makes me a better version of myself and helps me function better as a whole.Meh.

Things I want this year:
My child to be happy and successful in her last year of HS and in college

Happy feelings/thoughts to find me and take residence within me

Be cleared for graduation by Spring 2016

Move to a new apartment and adjust to living on my own

Get certified in my job

Find a new job that I feel appreciated and gainfully compensated

Find love. A love that accepts me as I am and only wants the best for me

Travel for work, for fun. (Chicago is my first stop to this end this year)

Sunday Stealing….

2014/2015 Meme, part two
Welcome back to Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. You may have heard of the expression, “honor amongst thieves”. In that age-old tradition, we try to credit the blog that we stole it from. We also provide a link to the victim’s meme in our “Previous Victims” widget. (It’s our way of saying “Thanks!”) Sometimes we edit the original meme, to make it more relevant to our global players, to challenge our players, to select the best questions, or simply to make it less repetitive from this new meme or recently asked questions from a previously featured meme.
Cheers to all of us thieves!!!

2014/2015 Meme, part two

Stolen from: German Language Rocks

26.What experience would you love to do all over again?
Pregnancy

27.What was the best gift you received?
Free will

28.How did your overall outlook on life evolve?
Trial and error

29.What was the biggest problem you solved?
Still working on it

30.What was the funniest moment of your year, one that still makes it hard not to burst out laughing when you think about it?
The moment I realized my effort to never say anything negative about my ex husband was not a courtesy afforded to me

31.What purchase turned out to be the best decision ever?
Birth control while I was dating my last official boyfriend.

32.What one thing would you do differently and why?
I would have taken control of my life sooner. There are 10 years of my life I can never get back

33.What do you deserve a pat on the back for?
Not applicable. Seeking validation from others is empty.

34.What activities made you lose track of time?
Reading

35.What did you think about more than anything else?
The future

36.What topics did you most enjoy learning about?
What makes people tick

37.What new habits did you cultivate?
Hone in on my study habits

38.What advice would you give your early-2014 self if you could?
It’s work, not personal

39.Did any parts of your self or your life do a complete 180 this year?
I decided to put boundaries between my ex and myself

40.What or who had the biggest positive impact on your life this year?
An old co-worker. She has been a constant source of reality checks.

41.What do you want the overarching theme for your 2015 to be?
To figure out what happiness means to me and living it.

42.What do you want to see, discover, explore?
The U.S and Canada

43.Who do you want to spend more time with in 2015?
Myself and be ok with it.

44.What skills do you want to learn, improve or master?
Not to give priority to those who only see me as an option and the ability to know the difference

45.Which personal quality do you want to develop or strengthen?
Patience

46.What do you want your everyday life to be like?
Peaceful

47.Which habits do you want to change, cultivate or get rid of?
My tendency to try to control everything

48.What do you want to achieve career-wise?
Promotion and/or development

49.How do you want to remember the year 2015 when you look back on it 10/20/50 years from now?
The year that things turned around in a good way

50.What is your number one goal for 2015?
Positive change

inspired by (x)

The New Year and resolutions….

Most years my resolutions are the same, lose weight, find love, be happy. I still want all those things but only if it makes me happy.

My goal for 2015 as I approach 40 is to be happy. To find a sense of contentment outside of my relationships with others. I want to work on my relationship with myself. I have to figure what happy means to me and find things that enable that feeling to spread throughout all the other aspects of my life.

2014 in review:

January- decided to take off a semester from school to make sure it is something I really wanted to do

February – focused on kiddos college visits and prep for SAT testing

March – upped my participation in meetup group activities

April- went to a seance and made contact with my grandfathers

May- worked at our times square store

June – turned 39 and kiddo 18….took a trip to Niagara Falls to celebrate

July – took a writing class at a local middle school; made a surprise visit to family for niece’s 1st birthday and a grannies birthday

August- decided to go back to school. I only have 8 classes to go. Time will pass anyway so I might as well make it count. I am not sure what to do with my major upon graduation

November- supported the stores on Black Friday in out of state location. I like working my mandatory two times a year at stores at locations out of my area. Participated in NANOWRIMO and made it to 10,500 words;the most words I have gotten to in recent years.

December – passed a required class for my major and failed the linguistics class. Worked toward mending a failing relationship with an old friend. Took steps on getting professional help with my highs and lows.

Sunday Stealing…Taking stock meme…

Taking Stock Meme

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. You may have heard of the expression, “honor amongst thieves”. In that age-old tradition, we try to credit the blog that we stole it from. We also provide a link to the victim’s meme in our “Previous Victims” widget. (It’s our way of saying “Thanks!”) Sometimes we edit the original meme, to make it more relevant to our global players, to challenge our players, to select the best questions, or simply to make it less repetitive from this new meme or recently asked questions from a previously featured meme.
Cheers to all of us thieves!!! 
by
Taking Stock Meme
Stolen from: The Blake Collection

 Making: an analytic essay about The Great Gatsby

 Cooking: I cooked beef stew for dinner

 Drinking: cranberry juice

 Reading: some linguistic homework

 Wanting: to write a novel by the end of this month

 Looking: for nights that do not involve nightmares

 Wasting: time watching My Five Wives

 Wishing: for a successful 2015

 Enjoying: not much

 Waiting: for patience

 Liking: the weather…I love autumn

 Wondering: what the future holds

 Loving: that next week consists of only working 2 official days and one at the store

 Listening: television

 Needing: a little TLC

 Smelling: nothing

 Wearing: my pajamas

 Following: my heart

 Noticing: the odd behaviors of others

 Knowing: what I need to do to finish school but doing the opposite anyway

 Thinking: too much about the the things that do not matter and not enough on the things that do

 Feeling: tired….ALL the time

 Bookmarking: paintnite

 Opening: my bills suck

 Giggling: at the realization that I might just write 50k words by the end of November

Sunday Stealing….Blue Meme

The Blue Meme

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. You may have heard of the expression, “honor amongst thieves”. In that age-old tradition, we try to credit the blog that we stole it from. We also provide a link to the victim’s meme in our “Previous Victims” widget. (It’s our way of saying “Thanks!”) Sometimes we edit the original meme, to make it more relevant to our global players, to challenge our players, to select the best questions, or simply to make it less repetitive from this new meme or recently asked questions from a previously featured meme.
Cheers to all of us thieves!!! 

From Brighter And Wider Than Snow

The Blue Meme

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Most days yes.

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

I love the sound of a good hearty laugh. I hate the sound of slurping.

28) What’s your biggest “what if”?

My biggest “what if” is if I had a made a different choice when my marriage fell apart.I could have chosen to confront the situation instead of run away from it. You can only run from something for so long before it comes around again.

29) Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes and no. Yes I believe our souls live on once they leave our bodies but I am not sold on the idea they would waste their after-life messing with us.

30) How about aliens?

Yes and no. But by the time we find out our game is over. I have wondered if we are an alien experiment gone awry. Ha!

31) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

To have my baby. It grounded me in ways that I had never anticipated I needed to be. Parenthood is a humbling experience.

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

On vacation? On the plane traveling to England. It was the scariest flight. We were being tossed around like a bag of chips. The worst turbulence EVER and after landing I learned that I get a bad case of jet lag with time zone changes.
Emotionally? What lead to my fleeing in the middle of the night from my marriage.

 
33) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

I’ve heard.

34) Most attractive actor of your opposite gender?

Joe Manganiello. He is physically attractive and looks very umm sturdy. I am attracted to rustic look in men.

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

Health and happiness. Without health nothing else matters or can be enjoyed.

36) Define “Art”.

No answer..What is considered “art” is relative.

37) Do you believe in luck?

No. Life is what you make it. I believe in opportunities.

38) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Trust and compatibility.

39) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Do Me Baby, by Prince. If nothing else it makes me giggle like a teenager.

40) Where were you yesterday?

Podiatrist, Work, Cousin’s house, home

41) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

plantar fasciitis

42) Do you have any obsessions right now?

http://www.nanowrimo.org

43) What’s up?

stress over school projects and such. Work is political mind field.

44) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yes.

45) Do you believe in real magic?

Yes and no.

.
46) Do you ever hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

I get forgive but never forget. One of my favorite quotes: “When people reveal themselves believe them”

47) What’s your favorite (non-pet) animal?

Horses

48) What is your secret weapon to get people to like you?

Not trying to make them like me. If you try too hard  it is a turn-off. Be yourself.

49) Where is your best friend?

I don’t believe in them. But if I had to make a choice, I would say my friend in GA.

50) What do you think is Satan’s last name? Crankerous


At the fair….

Almost two weeks ago I went to a fair about thirty minutes from where I live. I went to show moral support for a co-worker who was working the fair with their second job. With my teen in tow we walked around and between tasting the typical food and other attractions a medium stumbled upon me. We had already seen all we were going to see and were in the process of trying to figure which was the cross street to turn toward the car. I made fleeting eye contact with the “fortune teller” and she summoned me over and instructed me to sit. My child rolled their eyes and proceeded to sit on a nearby bus stop bench mindlessly toying with their phone.

The medium said to me, Sarah please pick three cards. I initially did not respond in word or movement. I was stuck on how the heck she knew my name. She waited patiently and I eventually picked three cards. One stated I would be finding work soon(I already have a job) and would move early next year. The second card stated that love would find me sometime next March and to make sure that I did not let my past adversely affect my future. Before the third card, she reached to touch my hand and said that I needed to go to the doctor and get checked out. It didn’t seem serious but could be if I left it untreated.(She did not specify what exactly needed to be checked). Finally the third card revealed that in December a pregnancy would be announced and that I would play a big role in the upbringing of that child. She told me to ask her three questions which I could not think of so she turned cards on my behalf. She looked puzzled and asked if I had been feeling like I was not alone. I shrugged an I guess response. She leaned in and whispered that I was not alone and that there was an older lady hoovering that she did not think was related to me and that I should seek out a medium so I could receive the message. She said I should not shy away from my “gift”. She said it does me more harm than good in not confronting it. I told her I find it best to ignore my “hunches”. I have spooked people with things I don’t understand how I know or feel off of them so I have decided to just ignore them.

When I was younger I used to sense things and even now I do tend to dream oddly and vividly. I chalk it up to an active imagination, however there are those times that things happen as I have dreamed them. It is like walking into a moment you have already lived through.

I am not sure I want to open a door that I might not be able to close. In a perfect world I would nail the door shut. That is the goal. I rather not feel so deeply things that are not my own to feel. I have enough on my plate. The only other person that would understand is my ex-hubs but he and I are not very communicative these days. If there is anyone out there with suggestions on closing the door I am all ears.

Picture unknown

IMG_331577811964252This is a picture of me way back in the day. I am the one on the right with the white sweater. I am not old enough that I do not recognize who is in the picture. I cannot however for the life of me remember where we are going, who’s car we are in and who took the picture. I am definitely somewhere between 12 and 15 years old if my sisters hair do is any indication.

I was born in the mid 70’s but all my cultural references as a tween and teenager are heavily situated in the 80’s. Through my older sister I was exposed to music and styles that maybe my contemporaries were not yet interested in. It has shaped my love of all things 80’s in music and movies but definitely not style. I look at some hair-dos and outfits of days past and shutter at the memory that I thought I looked great! Perspective is key in such matters I suppose.